


The Soldier

by lottysmind



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Asgardian Magic (Marvel), Banter, Coping, Grief/Mourning, Hostage Situations, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, Lesbian Character of Color, Loki (Marvel) Does What He Wants, Loss, Male-Female Friendship, Miðgarðr | Midgard, Not Canon Compliant, Sad, Soldiers, Speeches, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22160578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lottysmind/pseuds/lottysmind
Summary: God will not save you.There was no space for an omnipotent ruler in a rebellious place like this.Tessa knew that. She used to fight for freedom until that took everything she ever loved away from her.Maybe it was just time to fight for something entirely different. A new purpose.What a lucky coincidence, that Loki could offer her exactly that.
Kudos: 1





	1. grey eyes staring at grey dust

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there!  
> Thank you for giving this story a look, I hope you enjoy reading it! 
> 
> This is my first fanfiction and I would love to hear what you think about it, only if you want to of course. I hope you are having a wonderful day!

#### grey eyes staring at grey dust

The gala was a huge success, but Tessa was not in the mood for partying today. She came here for a funeral, not to sip overpriced drinks with flamboyant people while acting like she would understand anything at all about art. 

She could value beautiful pictures, but that was about it. She had no need to interpret anything into them, only to appear smarter or deeper than she actually was. 

Tessa liked artworks or she liked them not, but the second she had to explain why her thoughts became blurry and suddenly she just despised them whether or not she thought they were beautiful in the first place. Art galas were so far away from what her life had become, art galas were something that fitted Laura's imagination of a good life. 

Which in conclusion meant, Tessa despised them. 

So she decided to stay outside, enjoying the cold air, looking up at the crescent moon. The moon looked exactly like the other night, when... 

'Stop thinking about it', Tessa scolded herself, burying her hands deeper in the pockets of her hoodie. 

She waited for the next bus that would bring her to the hotel she would stay in before finally going home. 

Alone the thought of going back home was utterly weird. In less than a week, she would sip coffee out of her old blue mug, her cat Wendy laying by her side. She had to search for a new job, something dull and boring probably, something that gave her back a sense of routine. 

She allowed herself to become rather lazy the last weeks, losing Ziva left her devastated. 

But after the funeral she would need to get herself together finally, she would get her life going. It felt pointless without having Ziva by her side, but that would pass eventually, sometime in the future when not every single thing she thought about reminded her only on Ziva in the end. 

Even now Tessa could not stop thinking about how well Ziva would fit into this place, of course, this was her hometown after all, but the gala. The art, the people. The loaded atmosphere of this place, the chattering, this entirely different world, Ziva would have just so easily adapted to. 

She would drag Tessa around with her, gracefully sipping one of these drinks Tessa could not even pronounce the name of. There was a certain kind of elegance, charisma, that Ziva just owned and Tessa could not even explain it properly.

She would laugh and smile and interpret art and explain why an artist used that colour or technique instead of anything else and Tessa would listen and enjoy her company so much, she would even forget that she was not a big fan of art galas. 

Ripped out of her thoughts by sudden loud chatter and screams, she looked up to see a crowd of people running out of the building right in front of her. 

'Was there a bomb threat or something like that?' Tessa stood there a couple of seconds and when there seemed to be no more people in the museum, she went on, not really caring anymore. In case there was a bomb coming down here, she should hurry up and get away as far and as soon as possible, but her steps were heavy and slow. 

This would not be the first bomb she witnessed exploding eventually, and as long as there were no people harmed, she could not be bothered by it. Watching a building being reduced to its bricks was not something that could make her emotional anymore, she had seen too much for that already. 

What was a building to a bomb anyways? Nothing but an easy target. 

War was always like that, the world was like that. People build things, people destroy things, life just works like that, end of story. 

_Why so cold, sweetheart?_ , it echoed in her mind and she shivered, trying to get rid of the familiar voice inside her head, reminding her only on how much she missed Ziva.

Realising her uncaring attitude to such a thing made her frown, but she could not bring herself to do anything else. 

She did care once, but she could not allow herself to break like that ever again – now there was nobody left she trusted enough to put her pieces back together, not even herself would be able to get her through that kind of pain another time without jumping off a bridge. Ziva could, but Ziva was... 

Once again she frowned, putting the memory of the person she loved the most very far, far back in her mind.

She looked at the running crowd in front of her. Men in suits, women in the most beautiful and probably most expensive dresses. The surprise mixed with the usual terror on their faces, normally they knew this was not a safe place, so why... 

That was the moment it suddenly occurred to her: There should not be any bombs here. She was not on the battlefield anymore. This was Stuttgart, this was Ziva's hometown, not a place where bombs just happen to fall down sometimes. 

One last man went out of the museum, his steps slow and anticipating, and that made Tessa wonder. Had he no fear of being buried under the building? Of being killed by another bomb? Was there even a bomb or some other sort of tragedy that made people flee in masses like that? His slow steps either meant he was stupid or not aware of the danger surrounding him, whatever this danger may be. 

Or he did not care, just like her.

Tessa jogged in his direction with the intention to warn him, but when he, out of nowhere, got an armor suit and some weird weapon, she gaped and stopped, curiosity keeping her into place. 

The police car he attacked with the weapon in his hand basically turned itself around. What technology was that? Tessa never saw something like that before, but apparently, the military kept a lot of secrets, so maybe they already had stuff like that since years, who knows? Tessa still observed that strange man, wondering if that weapon could have done the same to the tanks she had to face not that long ago.

They got to them at night, and no one knew how they were able to find their base in the first place, but that did not stop them from rolling over the closest thing Tessa and the other soldiers had for a home. Not all of them made it out. Ziva's heartbreaking scream was permanently burned in Tessa's brain. 

She saw the walls breaking down around her, luck because she survived and guilt fighting a battle over her heart. She could not save anyone, not even Ziva, who saved her life so many times she lost count, and anger. So much anger, it led her to ask questions and the answers kicked her out of the army. 

Tessa did not believe that one of her group was a spy who committed treason and told their enemies about their secret base. It made no sense whatsoever to her, that Josh would do something like that. 

She knew him, he lived in a small house a little outside of New York and had the determination strong enough to get back home. Josh wouldn't risk something like that, always playing safe, motivating the group while proudly showing around pictures of his family. 

He had a daughter named Christine with blonde hair and a mischievous smile on her lips, who was holding a small puppy named Todd in her arms. He always joked that she would love Todd more than him because the dog was allowed to cuddle her whenever it wanted while Josh had to ask. 

'It's one of her symptoms', Josh explained, absent-mindedly caressing the photo while shaking his head. Tessa never found out what symptoms he was talking about or what sickness Christine had. He never mentioned it and that probably meant he did not want to talk about it – so Tessa did not ask. 

She seemed to be a sweet girl, and Josh was convinced that even though he was not at home most of the time, Christine prefered him over her mother. 

'It's because I don't have to be that strict. Her mother Violet has to deal with her the entire time. Being with me is like vacation for Christine. I know it's probably not fair, but I... I just want to enjoy the time I get with her as much as possible. My little girl just feels at ease around me, more than with any other company, I don't know why. The doctors say that is normal for someone with her condition, that she will learn to deal with it step by step and maybe someday she will be able to... you know, live a good life, fall in love, be happy. I want to see that so badly... Violet tries so hard to get through to her, but I am the only one who is even allowed to hug her, except from Todd of course. Todd is her everything.' 

He was very much aware of the risk, but his hope to get back home was a lot stronger than his fear of not doing so, which Tessa always admired. 

That night would have been the last away from his family, his bag was ready directly beside the exit, he spent the whole day running around, telling everybody he would finally get home. 

She remembered the excited sparkle in his grey eyes, the happy smile that made the small scar on his cheek look like an inverted crescent. He jumped around, overflowing with joy and Tessa imagined that Todd would react the same way when Christine came back home. 

Maybe Christine was a dog-person, and Josh who cocked his head when asking something, a questioning, faithful sparkle in his eyes reminded even a cat-person like her on a puppy sometimes. 

'Violet and Christine are coming to get me at the airport tomorrow. My little girl even agreed to give me a big, big hug when I come back. She waits for me, already so happy to see me, that her bags are standing beside her door too. Violet told me Christine stopped playing around with Todd, sat down and was staring at the clock for hours counting down the minutes until I would come back. She will never have to do that again, I'm going home, Tessa. Finally, I will see my little girl grow up. I will never leave them again, this is it, do you understand? Oh... ehm, I'm sorry, I... you probably don't want to hear this, you will be here for another couple of months, right? I am... I'm just so happy, you know?' 

Tessa was happy for him too, and she was not sad for herself. She always liked being a soldier, and the routine in the army was something she would probably miss. 

She did miss it now. It was her decision to become a soldier, she liked it and was not that eager to return home that time. 

That was what he told him and then he explained her what he would do with his family tomorrow. 

That they wanted to go out, in a special kind of adventure park, but Tessa already forgot the name. Later they would watch 'Inside Out' together, which was Christine's favourite film. Than they would go for a walk with Todd, and after that they planned to grab some unhealthy but tasty food and ice-cream. 

The exact order and time of these events were important to know for Christine, she did not like surprises and that was why Josh planned the day that eager and precisely.

His return was already a big change for the necessary routine Josh's daughter needed, so he decided to not risk anything that could upset her. 

Tessa thought maybe that was one of her symptoms too, but she did not ask. 

It was already dark when Josh finally fell asleep with a smile on his lips, making the scar on his cheek look like an inverted version of the crescent over them. 

Tessa could not imagine that someone like him could be a spy. Whoever it was, the bombs fell and buried Josh under them, leaving nothing back but dust, the same grey colour his eyes once were. 

Her commander said, Josh told their enemies about the base to get money. There were a lot of rumours starting to go around the first second her unit got that information. 

Some said he needed the money for his daughter, that she had some sort of disease that entailed very strong and therefore expensive medication. Some said he just wanted to get the money for himself and invented, Tessa knew they had no proof whatsoever for that accusation, an affair with a woman of a local terror organization, which admitted to be responsible for that act of violence. But they claimed that all the time, even when it was obvious it was not their fault. 

Others, herself and the ones who knew Josh better than just another face in a uniform, did not believe that he was a spy. She even defended him once or twice, until their commander forbid them all to talk about it. 

'There is proof that he engaged with our enemies, black on white. I can tell you only that much. Now, stop chattering about it and focus on building up the new base. I will not tolerate hearing his name again, are we clear?', his voice loud and formidable. 

'Yes, Sir' was coming back in unison and Tessa wished more than ever she could talk about it with Ziva. 

Tessa was sure she would know what to do, Ziva just had a way with people, even with their commander. She got a couple of cigarettes just by smiling and saying the right words at the right time. 

But Ziva was gone, and at that time she forbade herself to think about that fact, focused on building up a new base, on surviving and getting through the battles without losing the other ones. That worked, for about four days. 

Later her commander forced her to return home, because she 'was not herself anymore' and 'needed to take a time out, at least for a couple of weeks'. 

The truth was, there was no privacy. All of the other soldiers heard her crying the whole night, they saw how much coffee she needed to not just sleep away during day and they knew exactly how close Ziva and her really were. Nobody mentioned it, but they knew. They always did. 

'Tessa, I know it has been hard for you. Losing... comrades that way is really devastating. I did not say anything until now, because you always were a good soldier. And you still are, don't get me wrong. But you need to take a time out. I will send you home for at least two months. Before you answer me, I already talked to the authorities and they agreed with me. Do not make the mistake and question me on that decision.' She bit her tongue, forcing herself to stand still. 

'Yes, Sir.', she managed, squinting her eyes and biting her lip until she tasted blood. 

'I am only worried about you, Tessa.', he explained, trying to sound like they would have a casual conversation instead of him lecturing her. 

But Tessa knew this was not because of Ziva or anyone 'being worried' about her. 

This was because she could not believe Josh did what they said he did. It was because she questioned her commander and the army for the first time.

A panicked, hard shoulder bump brought her back to the here and now. 

Tessa noticed how the crowd stopped, leaving her in the last rows of it. If she hurried she might could still leave the place before whatever danger all these people fled would get here, but she did not move. 

Why should she? It was probably too late anyway and running away now would not change a thing most likely. And she wanted to know what this was all about. 

People around her panicked, all loud voices and screaming names, while a strange calmness flooded over her, and for some reason she felt cold suddenly, shivers running down her spine, goosebumps all over her arms. 

Ziva taught her the german word for 'help' once, and that was the only thing she really understood in that chaos of screaming voices. 

She could swear she even heard someone loudly praying behind her, german and english sounding weirdly alike. 

God will not save you, Tessa thought to herself. 

There was no space for an omnipotent ruler in a combative, rebellious place like this, a world full of people feeling entitled to take decisions for others, to decide over life or death. The world was at war, there was no place for god. 

Maybe things would have been easier for her if she could believe in some sort of afterlife, something peaceful and rewarding after death. 

She wanted to believe in it, she wanted to believe that her mum and dad were in heaven, holding hands and laughing together, watching her from somewhere above. Maybe they were happier now... but she still missed them, or at least the vague idea she had from them. 

Ziva would probably be there too, a knowing look in her blue eyes, a light smile on her full lips. She would wait for her, like she always did. Heaven was a very vague concept and even though Tessa tried to imagine it with as less clichés as possible, she failed. 

Ziva was sitting on a cloud, barefoot, white all around her, she wore a white dress and it looked like she had wings. Her blonde hair fitted perfectly, Tessa always thought she kind of looked like the angels that are portrayed in children's books. She was her angel all along.

Ziva offered her a hand, holding it out like an invitation to join her. Maybe it was time to join her... another cold shiver ran down her spine before she scolded herself.

'This is only in your mind, Tessa. It is not real, Ziva is... Mum and dad are gone. They are not waiting for you and they are not coming back.' 

Tessa took some deep breaths, slightly shaking her head. Every time she tried to imagine something like that, it was like losing them all over again. Because it did not matter how hard she tried, she could not really believe in something like afterlife. 

There was no reason there should exist something like that, it was a children's story to take their fear of death away. Maybe a story even grown-ups kept telling one another to not fear death so much. However, it was not working for her. 

She used to fear death, more than anything else...once. 

Being a coward was maybe the only reason she was still breathing at this point.


	2. dead legends and living soldiers

#### dead legends and living soldiers

Suddenly feeling lost, she looked around. There was no bomb, no more police cars and the only one really striking out in that otherwise almost dull crowd of running people who started to leave the place, was the man with that weapon. 

He seemed hostile, his whole figure and behaviour basically screamed 'dangerous'. 

Tessa should have probably left the place too, but curiosity has always been the thing she rather went by. She wanted to know what this weapon was, who this man was and what he was doing here. 

Besides, she felt safe, trusting her abilities to defend herself. She was good with her knife, she could get out of a dangerous situation anytime. After getting to know who that man was and what he was doing here.

"Being brave, curious and dumb go hand in hand, Tessa. You are lucky to have me.", Ziva used to say, dragging her over the battlefield back to safety. 

Tessa wanted to free a couple of hostages on her own, the others did not even know where she was. Today she knew how dumb that was, but back then she wanted to be a hero. 

Tessa got the hint from a little boy who approached her when she was getting some supplies for her group. His sister was one of the people they held hostage for apparently no reason, or that was what he told her. 

„You are trusting children too easily, Tessa. This was a trap, obviously.", Ziva lectured her. „Adam did not know about it, why do you think that's so? Tessa, you can't just storm off, following some random stray blindly and without back-up. Not everyone is happy to have us here. Sometimes they are part of terror organizations, sometimes the bad guys promise them to get their families back in exchange for a couple of soldiers. That is why you have to be careful, never walk alone and for god's sake, don't just leave me alone, Tessa. You have to tell me that kind of stuff, we will solve things like that together, okay? I have you, and you have me, and I want it to stay like that. I have to look out for you, and you have to look out for me. We have to trust each other blindly, that will be the only way we survive this fucked up war, do you understand? Can I count on you?" 

She was angry at her, and Tessa only nodded, swearing she would not do it again, she would not leave her alone again. They promised to stay together that night, to look out for each other. 

Once they were in safety, they kept talking for the entire night. They made plans for what they would do after they would come back home. They wanted to visit Ziva's parents and after that, Ziva would move to New York, in Tessa's apartment until they found something else. 

They would see each other every day, they would stay together, because the war may brought them together, but peace would keep them that way. 

Ziva's voice sounded so convincing, so stubborn. So sure about getting home safely, if they only counted on each other. Of course she believed her, of course Ziva could count on her, of course she would have done anything to save her. 

At least that was what she thought back then. 

But then she remembered Ziva's scream, how she could do nothing except watching how Ziva was buried under grey dust. 

She wanted to run into the building, drag Ziva out there the way she did so many times before. 

Adam, her commander, held her back and she tried anything to free herself, run into that building. If Ziva was dust, she wanted to become dust too. 

At this moment she wanted to be with Ziva in there, she wanted to make everything stop, she wanted to believe in heaven, to spend an eternity on Ziva's side, with her angel. 

But Adam held her back and today she was glad that he did so. She was not ready to die back then, and she would not come home from battle just to get herself killed by some freak with an overpowered weapon now. Another cold shiver ran down her spine when she looked at the scenery in front of her. 

The panicked faces around her, the screams, how the masses moved in every direction, trying to get away and still got closer together in the end. Tessa needed to keep fighting, and if not for herself then for Ziva's sake. 

Once again a hard shoulder bump brought her back into the here and now. 

She looked at that helmet man in front of her, remembered what his weapon did to a car. It would just destroy her. He did not seem that eager to kill anyone with it though, at least for now. 

But there was this hostility, danger about him, Tessa felt unsure if she could trust her first impression. Maybe she should have run away when she still had the chance to, now she found herself captured in the suddenly still crowd around her. They acted like a flock of sheep, pressing themselves together trying to flee multiple predators at once. 

Tessa scanned her surroundings, could only make out that guy with the deadliest small weapon she ever saw, no other danger in sight. 

„Move, clear this place!", she screamed over the loud noises surrounding her. 

Some people heard her, and tried to move, but they did not come very far, before the crowd swallowed them again. Why did they not move anymore?

Tessa sighed, but she was not yet home from battle completely. Her instincts set in and the controllable rush nesting into her veins like an old friend, one she could trust and listen to, sharpened her senses instantly. 

Maybe this was not a battlefield, but dangerous, something she knew, something she could work her way out of like she did so many times before. 

A short smile crossed her lips, while she remembered what she had to do to get out here safely. And so she did exactly that. 

Tessa's practiced hands took out the pocket knife she always kept in her jacket since that one time she was not able to defend herself. In that barely lighted room with the white table, such a strong contrast to the red blood drops falling from it. That night she decided to never be unarmed again, because – 

„Kneel before me!", she heard behind her, immediately turning around, ready to stab anyone standing behind her. 

There was that man with the weapon. 

How could he have switched place so fast? He stood a couple of feet away from her, behind her rather than in front like some seconds ago. There was no way this was the same man. 

Maybe they were a team, and that was why people stopped moving before. They did not want to run away from one danger only to run into the next. That kind of made sense, so Tessa did not advice anyone anymore to get moving. 

This one behind her was not that far away as the other before, so she tried to get a better look on him, another cold shiver running down her spine. Why was it so cold here suddenly?

She saw no reason to bring herself in more danger than necessary though and decided to not get any nearer. Tessa stayed silent, while all around her people tried to flee again. 

Maybe she should too, but she stood there, observing and still curious. She wanted to know who that man was. Why he was here and what that weapon was, for some reason she was extremely drawn to it, like she belonged closer to that deadly thing, even though it terrified her.

As if he had sensed her thoughts, his head shot in her direction and for a not exactly short moment they crossed looks. 

He looked directly into her eyes and she held his gaze. There was madness, anticipation and something like pride in them, but it looked kind of shallow. 

He tilted his head, curiously looking at her before squinting his eyes. 

Tessa scrutinized him, a cold shiver running down her spine. Danger, everything about him made her mind scream 'danger' over and over again.

When the crowd around her got closer together once again, the staring contest between the two officially ended. 

She scanned her surroundings, clutching the pocket knife and noticing at least four of those helmet guys, how she decided to call them. 

They were standing strategically intelligent, which made it a bit harder to get out of here. The weirdest thing was, all four of them looked exactly the same to Tessa. But that was impossible. 

On the other hand they just appeared and armoured themselves out of nowhere... what exactly was going on here? Tessa eyed the helmet guys warily, trying to anticipate their next move, but they stood completely still, just like her. 

If they would not act soon, Tessa decided to may just throw her pocket knife in one of their hearts. That would distract them maybe long enough to get herself and some other people out of here. An awful lot of 'maybes', too many for her liking. Reckless, even for her standards. 

„I know this guy.", a middle-aged woman beside her whispered in German. 

Ziva taught her some words back in the old days, when they had to wait hours and hours and boredom was more likely to kill them than an actual enemy. She understood a bit of German, but gave up speaking it after Ziva laughed her ass off by trying to make her say the german word for squirrel.

„Who is he?", Tessa asked, trying to stick close enough to that woman in order to understand her. 

The woman looked at her, her dark eyes full of fear. Real fear, fear of death, and Tessa suddenly felt the need to comfort her, but what should she say? It was a dangerous situation, and that woman knew it, so there was really no point in acting like it would not be that bad. 

„He is dangerous.", the woman answered in a very thick accent. 

'Yeah, obviously.', Tessa thought and wanted to ask if she knew anything else, but one of the helmet guys interrupted her. 

„I said, kneel!", one of them, the front one, ordered, looking at the crowd with a demanding glance in his eyes. 

Slowly he let his glance wander over the panicked flock of people, seemingly enjoying the panic and fear he created with his pure presence. Tessa could swear he even smirked for a second before he restrained himself and a serious look found its way back on his face. Still, not everyone knelt.

As if that was not enough, he hit the floor with that stick he used as a weapon. With that movement he created a sort of blue light all around them, from one helmet guy to the other. 

Tessa immediately cowered for a second, making sure that the blue light was not touching her, whatever it was, she did not like the idea of being touched by anything that came from that deadly weapon in his hand. 

He sounded threatening, demanding and something inside Tessa fell back into soldier mode very quickly, whispering to follow that order without questioning it. Doing what she learned over the years, do not question orders, this will only lead to problems. 

She started to ask questions about the bomb attack that killed Ziva and half of her unit, she questioned if Josh really was responsible for all that because she could not believe that he worked together with their enemies. Besides, why not plan that attack for the next day when he was already sitting in the plane, on the way to his family? It made no sense to Tessa, and she tried to talk with Adam about it. But Adam did not like that sort of questions. 

If she disobeyed, her commander would lecture her, he would – Tessa shook her head, this was not her commander, this was some crazy guy trying to intimidate unarmed civilians. And she was definitely not going to kneel. 

He was threatening civilians here and it was Tessa's job to prevent people like him from doing so, and she knew she needed to do something. 

But she also knew that it would be pointless and only get herself killed if she attacked four heavily armed people with her pocket knife. Tessa needed time to figure something out and the helmet guys did not look like they were planning to just kill them immediately. 

Otherwise they would have already done it, there was literally nothing holding them back. 

Everyone knelt slowly, it got weirdly silent from one moment to the other, and fear and shock all around her, something inside Tessa clicked and she remembered her training. 

'I know, they tell you to be heroes. But I would rather have living soldiers than dead legends, is that clear? It is important to know, when you are beaten.', Adam's voice echoed in her head.

He was talking to some of her comrades specifically because they were too conceited in his eyes. They bragged around how they would save 'the girls' (meaning Ziva, her and a couple of newcomers) if it got too dangerous. 

Which was funny, given that she and Ziva could beat them up regularly during training lessons and the only thing they were better at was running. Which in the end only led to Tessa and Ziva making fun of Theon and the other show-offs. 

Adam was laughing straight in their face for being such 'unbearably stupid morons'. He said, they would not even survive the first battle if they were arrogant enough to believe they could save anybody except maybe themselves. 

But then he was rather serious, addressing the whole unit with what he said. Dead legends were useless, living soldiers not. 

Theon, a red-haired man who seemed to be especially fond of the idea of becoming a legend, did indeed not survive.

What he did was brave, he saved two children and a mother, but got himself killed in the process of doing so. Tessa did not know if it was worth it, but who was she to judge that anyways? 

They wrote 'fallen in battle' in his death certificate. No story, no legend, no being remembered as a hero. 

But dead nevertheless. Adam was right.


	3. when freedom commits suicide

#### when freedom commits suicide

She was beaten.  
No way she could kill these helmet guys with a pocket knife. Once she was the last one standing, she decided to kneel too.

The cold glare in her back made her shiver, while wondering if he would kill her just for taking too long, but nothing alike happened, as the front helmet guy continued his speech. 

She would survive this, no matter what she would need to do for it. This was not the worst situation she ever had to face.  
There was this one time some terrorists caught her and tried to use her as bait. Of course, her unit did not fall for that and so they decided to use her as a propaganda tool, planning to film her beheading – how she got out was kind of blurry. 

Forced to wear a bag on her face almost the entire time, it was suddenly very loud around her and she noticed some voices of her unit before the well-known grip of Ziva tried to free her. Of course, she tried to stand up and flee, but her feet gave up under her, six days of being bound to her chair without food and only some drops of the filthiest water she ever tasted showing their effect. 

Ziva dragged her away, brought her into safety, her soft voice the sweetest melody, repeating 'you'll be fine' over and over again.  
The next thing she remembered was waking up in her bed, Ziva sitting by her side. 

During that imprisonment she feared for her life every single second and even though she was kind of scared now, the man swinging that weapon seemed to be completely unpredictable after all and was probably planning to kill them, it still felt somehow different.  
She did not feel like she could die every single moment which made it already better than that time they kept her imprisoned. 

Also, she had a bit more control of the situation, she could at least count on her senses this time. 

Tessa was not really able to keep herself from watching him, a light, but threatening smile on his lips, arms spread widely in a dominant gesture. 

She could throw her knife, the distance was not that big and she had good chances of striking him too, but the armour would probably keep him safe. 

Besides, she only had that one pocket knife, and there still were three other helmet guys, probably ready to kill her immediately afterwards. She could try, maybe-

_Reckless _, Ziva's voice echoed inside her mind and Tessa did not move an inch.  
„Is not this simpler? Is this not your natural state?", he continued and walked through the crowd, getting nearer to Tessa. __

__She looked him up and down, searching for a vulnerable spot on his armoured body. His helmet looked kind of ridiculous now that she came to think about it. But he wore it with such pride that Tessa needed to admit it looked kind of bad-ass actually.  
He was dressed in green, black and gold, but most importantly, there was not really a vulnerable place Tessa could stick her knife into. Or at least she could not find one, cautiously hiding it behind her back now. _ _

__If he was getting too close to her, she would use her knife and stab him before running away as fast as possible.  
His words suddenly echoed in her mind. Kneeling was simpler than being killed, that was for sure. _ _

__But was it her natural state? She had never been a proud person, but being forced into submission like that did not feel right either.  
„It's the unspoken truth of humanity, that you crave subjugation.", he continued, sounding more explaining than threatening now. _ _

__And Tessa could not help but kind of agree with that thought. She never had a problem with following orders, and that mostly worked out better than just doing what she thought to be right._ _

__Tessa knew she took some very wrong decisions in the past, and the responsibility made her shoulders feel heavy, and loud, like that heartwrenching scream of Ziva. That did not mean she would follow someone like him per se, but there was something about that helmet guy, that made her reconsider her first idea of just killing him. Another cold shiver ran down her spine as she scolded herself mutely for even thinking he was right._ _

__„The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power. For identity."_ _

__Tessa shifted and wanted to get the stupid thought out her head, that he was somehow right. She knew she should not think like that._ _

__All the time people told her, freedom was something good, something important everyone had the right for. In Tessa's eyes, they did not understand what freedom necessarily entailed._ _

__She, on the other hand, was completely aware of what it cost, she knew that sometimes you are not able to take the right decision for yourself. Sometimes you have got to keep your head down and follow orders without questioning them in order to survive.  
Freedom proved as a good cause to fight for, she understood that, but it was never that important to her. Freedom and responsibility go hand in hand, and she feared both of them.  
Freedom expected you to crave for something more, something better and bigger than you are now. But since Ziva was... gone, she really had no goal whatsoever to look forward to. _ _

__Sure, she had dreams once, but they all blurred out somewhen in the last weeks. Nothing made sense at the moment and if she had the chance she would just sleep the entire time._ _

__Freedom was pushing her. Even if it also meant to just stay the low ranking soldier, without anyone actively pressing her into something, they expected her to get better all the time. Laura tried to convince her it was time to go search for something bigger. Which in her eyes meant going to university, take a dull job and try to fall in love to live happily ever after with a couple of children. And there was nothing wrong about that, except that Tessa did not want a life like that for herself. She tried to be part of something bigger. She is... was... a part of something bigger, she was part of an army, but nobody seemed to understand that this was enough for her. She did not need anything else. She was a good soldier, liked her unit and loved the idea of not coming home every single night.__

____

__Of course, she had responsibilities, but not the scary ones. Not where she would need to take decisions that could affect the people she loved or cared about._ _

__

__Maybe it was wrong to deny all her responsibility by telling herself she was only following orders. She only did what Adam made her do, which after all was her job as a good soldier._ _

__

__Tessa never questioned Adam until the thing with Josh. Freedom was a cause worth fighting for, or at least that is what people told the newcomers, the scared ones and those who still had second thoughts about joining the army._ _

__

__They told them fairytales, but it seemed to work pretty well. Tessa did not need any fairytales, she knew what it was going to be like. Harry had told her about it since childhood.  
'The bright lure of freedom diminishes your life's joy in a mad scramble for power. For identity.' He was right, Tessa thought before immediately scolding herself for agreeing with him. Truth be told, she had to admit, that she was not the biggest fan of freedom either, which did indeed command for so much more than what you had and probably even wanted. _ _

__

__Freedom was a lie. A fairytale worth fighting for. Maybe._ _

__


	4. a legend survives

#### a legend survives

The helmet guy behind her glared at her back once again, and without wanting to, she dropped the pocket knife, the sound of it lost in other helmet guy's speech. 

She made herself smaller, trying to get it back unnoticed, but the helmet guy in front of her stared Tesa down with a 'Don't you dare' in his eyes. 

There still was this air of madness flowing around him, so she let it drop, kneeling as upright as possible for a second. 

She only noticed now, that he was standing nearby her, looking down at her and Tessa held his gaze, not covering her agreement for what he just said, simultaneously making herself smaller once again. She had no weapon, so she better did not make him angry – her plan changed, the goal now was not stopping him anymore, just getting out of here alive. 

He was staring down at her and Tessa nodded slightly, agreeing without having to fake that. If he noticed her, he did not give anything away, wandering through the kneeling crowd in her direction. Coincidence probably, she hoped, considering her position somewhere in the last rows, basically in the middle. 

„You were made to be ruled.", he stated, and a cold shiver ran down her spine, as the helmet guy stood directly beside her, not moving anymore. 

„In the end, you will always kneel.", he ended, letting his weapon down, close beside Tessa. 

Once again she felt strangely captivated by that blue glowing weapon. Like it was meant to be even closer to her. She hoped he would not notice the knife behind her, he would probably kill her just for thinking about it. Still, she could not resist the urge to observe him, turning her head slightly to the right and looking up. 

The strange feeling of already knowing him flooded her mind, and she tried to search for any similarities between him and any other person she knew. 

He reminded her of her last commander Adam. A very strict, very proud man, who never failed to motivate his team of soldiers. 

That was in the end what she blamed for agreeing with a madman like him; she was used to obey somewhat crazy people, that must have been the reason for her agreement, she told herself. Because Tessa had to admit, she was motivated to fight for his cause. She fought for freedom for such a long time, and these battles took everything she ever loved and left her with nothing except other's expectations on how her life should go on after being kicked out of the army. 

Freedom left her devastated, empty and angry. Maybe it was time to fight for something entirely different now. Tessa nodded to herself, it was understandable to feel like that, she justified her thoughts of pairing up with that helmet guy. 

He reminded her on Adam, on her army days, on being a soldier. She missed it so much. Maybe she could become a soldier once again, she thought to herself, observing that helmet guy with an entirely different interest now than initially. But he did not notice, was too focused on something happening directly in front of him. Tessa could not see, but it sounded like someone was standing up. 

„Not to man like you.", someone else said. 

An older man, judging by his voice and Tessa wanted to tell him to shut up. Of course, it was brave but more than that it was stupid. Another dead legend, Tessa thought to herself, biting her lip. Helmet guy was not the type for rebels, or for mercy, or at least that was what Tessa thought when she saw his face turning from explaining to threatening once again. 

He laughed at that comment, slowly putting up his weapon again, and Tessa immediately wanted to stand up too for a second, follow that blue light. 

She was going crazy, that was the only explanation for that feeling of wanting to be near that deadly weapon. She wanted that weapon. But the one holding it was looking like he was going to murder someone now. 

Tessa once again noticed how she made herself smaller, hoping she judged the situation wrong. She needed to get herself together. 

She was a soldier, after all. She needed to protect civilians like that old man. But she could not move, and it was not only fear holding her back. 

„There are no men like me.", he said, still a threatening grin on his face. 

Maybe if the other man would shut up now, helmet guy wouldn't harm him. There was still hope until she heard him say: „There are always men like you." 

Tessa could not help but watch helmet guy, a short glimpse of anger sparkling up in his eyes before he jutted his chin forward. 

Arching his eyebrows and slowly raising his weapon, Tessa noticed what his dominant behaviour did to her and she was weirded out by the fact, that she was ready to obey. 

„Look to your elder people. Let him be an example.", helmet guy said, a strange calmness in his voice. 

When his weapon began to light up blue, Tessa wanted to look away but found herself once again captivated by the blue light coming from it. 

An unnatural shade of blue. Lightening up fastly. A shot precisely aimed and - 

Next thing Tessa knew, helmet guy was lying beside her, taking her down to the floor with him. 

He did not bother, using her shoulder and his weapon to get up quickly again. Immediately, her shoulder felt cold. She saw people standing up slowly around her and leaving without being stopped. 

Cautiously she moved backwards. 

„The soldier.", Tessa heard him say, making that word sound completely ridiculous. 

She was not bothered by that though, for people like him, who were obviously craving for power, people like her were nothing but means to an end. 

„A man out of time.", he said, grinning once again. 

„I am not out of time.", the soldier said and the next thing Tessa heard was the voice of a woman: „Loki, drop the weapon and stand down." 

Helmet guy shot at something above them, and Tessa used that opportunity to run away. 

She got herself into a somewhat safe place and contemplated to just flee but she was too curious and decided to observe what was happening now. She felt safe behind that statue and was convinced she was out of harm's way. 

They were busy fighting out there, they did not care about their surroundings and after that soldier appeared out of nowhere, helmet guy was not interested in the crowd anymore, letting them go without trying to stop them. 

Where were the others of his team? Tessa asked herself. She looked around, searching for the others of his group, but ended up without finding them. Did they flee or were they still around here somewhere hidden, just like her? She could leave, actually, she probably should leave, Ziva's words about being curious and dumb echoing in her mind. 

But she wanted to see this fight, it felt like she was watching a real-life movie scene. Tessa was glad she did not interfere before. She was not a bad fighter, but these two were on a whole other level of 'fighting'. 

It looked like helmet guy, Loki apparently, would win, but then a human-like machine ended the fight. Tessa was hidden and if she managed to leave unnoticed she would be out of danger. 

The grip around her throat and mouth surprised her so much, she froze for a second before her instincts set in and she tried to free herself. 

Grabbing his wrists and taking a step to the side. She used her free hand to hit his groin, a sharp pain running through her wrist, hitting hard armour, still getting ready to kick her elbow into his face if he lowered himself. 

She waited for a scream or anything that would indicate pain, but nothing alike happened. Instead of that, she heard her attacker chuckle lightly, whispering something she could not understand. Adjusting his grip around her, now almost picking her up. 

Normally she knew how to escape a situation like that and she tried to use her training, tried to make another step forward and while still holding on to his wrists, free herself by slipping out from his grip. It didn't work, he moved with her. Not leaving her enough space to slip through his grip. Gripping her only tighter. 

Not able to breathe. Stuck. 

Tessa panicked. She tried to bite him, but her jaw was stuck completely, so she rammed her elbow in his side, suppressing a scream out of pain when her nerve hit the hard armour on his body. He did not move an inch. 

No air. No opportunity to get away. She tried to kick him in the shin but missed it slightly. Tessa was basically trying everything now, but no matter how determined she tried to free herself, the grip around her only got stronger. 

She started to feel dizzy, her sight blurry and that's when he let loose a bit, only so much for her to gasp a little air. With new air inside her lungs, she once again tried to free herself. After various other attempts, she was still held by ice-cold hands and what felt like inhuman strength. 

'Stop panicking. Think about how to get out. Don't panic now.', a rational voice inside her mind tried to calm her down. 

She stopped wiggling around for a moment and the hand around her throat vanished, the other one more covering than gripping her mouth now. 

That was her chance, but before she was able to move, she saw that deadly weapon materialising in front of her eyes, her attacker holding it like it was some toy. Tessa froze. She had a problem, a big one actually. 

„Do not move.", a cold voice behind her commanded, and she held still, frozen. 

She was trapped anyway, better not provoking the man with the killing machine in his other hand. Nevertheless, she found herself watching that blue light with a concerning curiosity and a strange longing to touch it. Feel that light, even if only for a moment, she wanted to know how it felt. 

_Reckless. _, Ziva's voice echoed in her mind, accompanied by her own inner voice 'It feels deadly, you idiot.'__

__„Now be a good soldier.", he whispered, letting disappear the weapon and gripping her shoulder._ _

__His hands were ice-cold, making her shiver. A strange calmness overcame her, as she didn't try to get away anymore. It had no sense anyway, 'know when you're beaten', Adam used to say. He dragged Tessa out behind that statue that used to offer the only possible protection from the fight scene happening out there._ _

__That was when she finally recognised his voice as Loki's and wondered if the other one was a clone or if the one who held her was one, or if they were both evil twins, or if clones exist, or if she was dreaming or how she got herself into this mess._ _

__Or if someone drugged her heavily enough to imagine something like what was happening here. „Did you really think it would be that easy? You amuse me.", he chuckled, now talking to that other soldier and this human-like machine, tightening his grip on her shoulder._ _

__That was going to become a bruise, Tessa thought, ignoring the fact that this was probably her smallest problem right now._ _

__Simultaneously the soldier and the machine turned around and the helmet guy who gave up slowly faded into nonexistence. Now Tessa wondered again, for real this time, if she was poisoned or drugged, because that was just completely inexplicable._ _

__„Let her go, Loki.", the soldier said demandingly, gripping his shield a little tighter and the machine beside him slowly put out the weapons again._ _

__She knew the face of that soldier from somewhere... the news maybe? Were these 'the good guys', protecting civilians like she once did?_ _

__Because suddenly she felt pretty weak, not like a soldier anymore. She did not move, fearing what Loki would do with an uncooperative hostage._ _

__Because that was what she became once again – a hostage. Tessa never valued freedom until it was taken from her. „I strongly advice you to drop the weapons and stand down.", he mocked, letting go of her mouth to materialize his weapon once again._ _

__Tessa did not scream, nor did she cry for help or anything alike, she clearly was not in the place to try escaping, Loki's heavy, cold hand resting on her shoulder. Besides, there was not enough air in her body to waste it for something like that._ _

__She felt so cold, her teeth chattered and Loki's weapon did not make it any easier to stay calm and think about how to escape._ _

__Now that this blue light was so close to her, she got a better look for the first time._ _

__Little blue lights levitating, following an unknown way of movement._ _

__Slowly moving, almost tired and barely noticeable. Every single light an own world for itself. Snowflakes maybe. Tessa always liked winter, but the coldness coming from that weapon and Loki was something different. Something dangerous._ _

__Right now she would rather run away, but still... something about that weapon made her long to touch it, feel it, even if only for a second._ _

__'You are crazy, you saw what that thing did to a car, stay the hell away from it.'_ _

__„Weapons down. Now."_ _

__And the machine did, just like the soldier let his shield fall to the ground with a final-sounding wiry 'cling.'_ _

__„Very smart. It is almost too easy with you.", he mocked, silently chuckling._ _

__'What an asshole', Tessa thought to herself, trying to kick his shin again, missing it only slightly. She scratched his hand but he didn't let loose, and when her attempt to kick her way out failed again, she heard him speak to her._ _

__„Please stop. It would make this only more difficult to me and more deadly to you.", Loki said calmly, aiming his weapon at the two in front of them._ _

__All the fascination she initially felt for that light was gone once she felt the sudden, sharp coldness right beside her face as if it only became that cold right this moment._ _

__Her breathing became uneven, as she crept away as far as possible from that deadly weapon, trying to get rid of Loki's grip again._ _

__„Not yet.", Loki explained, as if to calm her down, which of course wasn't calming at all._ _

__Maybe a little. Not yet meant some time, right?_ _

__He moved backwards, another cold shiver running down her spine immediately. How could he be so cold?_ _

__„Now let her go.", the soldier commanded._ _

__The strange feeling coming over Tessa was neither hope nor was it delight, she was not able to believe that she would get out of this situation as easy as this._ _

__Loki did not seem to be the type to just let her go now, Tessa knew men that resembled him, even though he was convinced there were no men like him. He just did not seem to be the type for negotiations and Tessa fairly doubted that he would just let her go like that._ _

__Better keeping her hope low so she could focus on what to do in the worst case scenario, that was how she solved problems like that._ _

__Well, the worst case scenario was being killed, so -_ _

__„So you can kill me afterwards? Not today." Loki mockingly said, especially emphasising the last two words._ _

__He chuckled again, dragging Tessa another couple of steps back with him._ _

__And with that, the scenery in front of Tessa changed into an empty, barely lighted room._ _

__She felt dizzy and without getting the chance to move, she vomited._ _


	5. for kings and soldiers

#### for kings and soldiers

„Are mortals really that sensitive to being teleported? That is utterly ridiculous.", Loki said, while keeping a bit more distance to his hostage. 

When he saw her agreement before, he wondered if there were really mortals out there who knew, that they needed a king, that they needed him. Maybe she did know and accepted that he was that king. She was a soldier after all and used to follow orders. And there was something about her... 

„What- ?", she managed, as she stumbled to her feet, carelessly using the sleeve of her coat to clean her lips. 

„What did you put in it?", Tessa asked warily, taking a couple of steps backwards, keeping a somewhat safe distance to her kidnapper. 

The world still spinned around her, and she checked her surroundings, making sure there was only him and none of his helmet friends here. 

Loki just watched her panicked behaviour, searching for an escape when clearly that was not a possibility she really considered. She saw what he did, and even though her conscious mind was still neglecting it, she had an idea of how unlikely it was to just get out of here. 

His face was cold and he just kept watching her, to which Tessa once again insisted: „What did you put in my drink? Or was it some kind of gas? What did you do?" 

Her voice sounded fierce, but the little, barely noticeable begging touch in it bothered Tessa as much as it amused Loki. 

„I did not do anything at all. What proved to be a loss in hindsight, actually. You put up quite a fight, did you not?", he mocked, knocking at his armour. 

„But you were my soldier, good as gold nevertheless, so I can not complain.", he added and Tessa couldn't believe what he was saying there, snorting in lack of a better response. 

„I was not -" 

„What? Not my soldier?", Loki provided, mockingly staring in her direction, while his armour slowly vanished, leaving him in a suit. 

How did that even work? Was she hallucinating? 

He did not seem as threatening anymore, and Tessa was not sure what to make out of his changed behaviour. She carefully observed him as he sat down on the only furniture – a black, large sofa – Tessa saw in this room. 

„You are disappointed and angry, are you not?" His voice sounded almost caring now, a melodic tune to it and Tessa forgot for a tiny second who she was talking to. 

„Well, being kidnapped isn't actually one of my favourite activities, so... yeah.", she answered through gritted teeth, immediately regretting it after she said it. 

But Loki smiled at her, not in the threatening way she knew already, but more amused than she imagined someone like him to be. He chuckled and shook his head. 

„No, you are not angry or disappointed because of that. You are scared. There is something else that makes you agree with me and my view on freedom.", Loki explained, offering her some space beside him on the large sofa. 

Tessa stood still, valuing the distance between her and this madman exactly as big as it was, if not possible to get away any farther. 

„Come on, I will not harm you, why should I? You have done nothing wrong until now. Do not make me reconsider that choice by acting so stubborn suddenly." 

He did not sound exactly threatening but Tessa's intuition told her it was better to just sit down. 

Besides, these couple of feet between her and Loki would not keep him from hurting her anyway. She needed to get out of here alive and while cooperating seemed wrong, disagreeing sounded life-threatening. 

Actually, she was somewhat glad to have the possibility of sitting down, the world around her still slightly out of focus. 

„I did not put anything in your drink or your air or somewhere else, everything you saw was real." Loki explained, once again materialising that weapon in his hand. 

Tessa flinched, still finding herself drawn to that weapon. 

Something about it made her feel like she needed to touch it, hold it. No matter how afraid she was, sitting at the very end of the couch and trying to keep as much distance to Loki as possible, she wanted that weapon for herself. 

„I will not hurt you, I want to talk to you. I am going to help you if you help me.", he clarified, letting the weapon disappear once again. 

Tessa needed to find out, how he did that. 

'You could let me go and I probably won't sue you, how about that?', she thought by herself. How could she help him anyway? 

„I need an army. You are a soldier, I could make good use of someone like you.", Loki said, openly staring at her now. 

„You are searching for something, a greater cause you can fight for. And I happen to have exactly that.", he said, turning himself in her direction. 

What a strange turn of events, just minutes ago she was pretty sure, Loki would kill her and now they were sitting at a couch talking about helping one another. She would not... he was... Tessa shifted, fleeing his glance. 

„Are you trying to... hire me?" Loki nodded before Tessa could think about what that actually meant. Sure, she thought about that before, when she was in that crowd, but she would have done anything to survive at that moment. The tricky thing was, she did not need to lie back then. 

What did he really want though? And was he serious about it or was that some sort of test? Would he let her go if she disagreed? 

„In case I say no... can I leave?", she asked carefully, looking back at him now. 

She tried to notice any emotion in his face, but she could not read anything from it. It was cold and distant and Tessa wondered if he ever was not like that. Loki looked at her quizzically, as if he knew something she did not. 

„Do you want to leave, though?", he finally asked, tilting his head slightly and Tessa thought about that for longer than she liked to admit. 

She still thought he was right, even if his methods were... well, questionable she would say, but she knew what war was and how people acted during the war - it had no rules. What made her more uncomfortable than that was how unnatural his methods were. How was he able to materialise stuff like his armour, his weapon? How did the whole teleporting thing work? Tessa wanted to know. Maybe Ziva was right... curiosity would get her killed in the end. 

„What... I mean, who are you?", Tessa asked, looking Loki up and down, openly curious. 

„Loki. I am a god. And your soon to be king. I figured you were alright with that, not that it would be of any importance.", he clarified immediately. 

„Loki like... the God of Mischief Loki? You are making fun of me now, aren't you? There are no gods.", Tessa insisted, almost irritated by the fact that he was lying now. 

She really wanted to know who he was, and he made jokes like that. 

„The one and only. And gods do exist, believe me. I am not joking, why should I?", he answered, while looking at her with a calculating expression. 

Out of nowhere, he had a glass in his hand, slowly sipping whatever was in it. 

„Yeah, sure, nice tricks and all, but I mean it. Who are you? Some kind of magician or what?", Tessa asked once again, noticing how he got almost angry. 

„I tell you I am a god and you dare to question me like that after everything you saw today? That is brave -" 

„And dumb, I know. Ziva -" Immediately Tessa stopped herself, looking away. 

What was wrong with her? Her plan was to get out of here alive and now she provoked the guy with that deadly weapon just like that? And was she trying to tell him about Ziva? She needed to talk to someone, when she was already so desperate she tried to tell... whoever he was about Ziva. A god? There was no god. No gods for that matter. 

Dan, she needed to call Daniel, he always managed to cheer her up or at least distract her. 'Do you think you are ever going to call someone again?', Tessa thought, glancing at Loki who was staring at her like he was looking directly into her soul. Tessa shivered, sitting up a bit more tense. 

„I am a god. You know that you just do not wish it to be true, am I right?", Loki asked, all melodic voice and curiously raised eyebrows. 

Tessa nodded, trying to process all this information as fast as she could, but still was bewildered by the whole situation. A god? That made no sense at all. 

On the other hand, he could let armour and weapons appear and disappear however he liked, just teleported them and was unhumanly cold, in both behaviour and body. His hands were ice-cold, colder than Tessa believed human hands could be. 

He seemed strong, and more importantly, determined enough to reach his goal of... yeah, what exactly? She would ask him. Besides, Tessa still thought he was not wrong with what he said before, surprised by her own inability to be mad because he still threatened and kind of kidnapped her. 

'You are only trying to survive this, and being disrespectful or hostile now would make that unbelievably more difficult'. But she knew that this was not her only reason to stay calm and not make a fuss about her current situation. This was one of those situations in which it was best to stay as calm as possible. 

„Will you keep staring at me or do you have any other questions?", Loki asked mockingly. 

She flinched and without missing a beat, she turned her face away. Of course, she had other questions, a lot actually, but the most important should be the first one. 

„Why do you need me? Why do you want my help?", Tessa asked cautiously, looking at him once again. 

„Oh, I saw you were not that bewildered by my plan to become king of humanity and used you to flee asgardian prison for a couple of millennials. Anything else?" 

The speed in which he was talking now, made it not that easy to actually follow, but Tessa knew better than to ask him again. He didn't seem to have a lot of patience for stuff like that, at least Tessa thought he wouldn't. She understood the most important thing, that he planned to become king of humanity and that he knew, she had not that much against that. 

Maybe that was why he kind of sympathised with her? At least it did not look like he was planning to kill her anytime soon. And maybe that was everything Tessa could ask for. She felt safer suddenly, which was probably not true, but it gave her new courage to ask what she wanted to know. 

„I... it's a bit much... everything. I mean, gods exist? And anytime you could have just invaded earth with your clone army and make yourself king of everything? I... wow." Tessa shifted uncomfortably, running her hands through her curly hair. 

She knew she was babbling, she always did when she was nervous, but she could not really keep herself from doing so. 

„Wait... are you going to kill all of us? Extinction? As revenge that we stopped praising you and your kind of gods and got ourselves someone else? Is he real too, the christian god I mean? And if so... shouldn't he... I don't know, try to stop you or something? Don't get me wrong, I think you have a valid point, I'm not that much of a fan of freedom either, I... how did you know I'm a soldier?", Tessa interrupted herself, searching for the dog mark around her neck out of habit. 

Of course, it wasn't there anymore. She had no right to wear it, Tessa thought when she had putten it away. 

Loki looked at her, amusedly grinning. 

„You chatter. And normally that is annoying, but somehow it suits you and your... changeable character.", Loki said, a mischievous smile on his lips. 

'Asshole. You don't even know me', Tessa thought and Loki looked at her as if she had said it out loud. She knew he was making fun of her, but she could not bring herself to care about that. She wanted to know the answers, so she continued to stare at him, curiosity written plainly over her face. Loki stood up, smiling lightly and so Tessa stood up too, feeling not that dizzy anymore. 

„Gods do exist, and I do not plan on extincting humanity as long as you mortals accept me as your new, rightful king. I knew you were a soldier because you were ready to obey me, even though you were scared.", he explained, taking a couple of steps in her direction, to which she only flinched back without moving. 

Still curious, she did not look away. 

„You know who I am now. So, what is your name?" 

She started feeling cold again, as he came nearer to her. Tessa could not explain what it was, but something about Loki made her shiver as if the coldness radiated from his body on to hers. 

„Tessa.", she answered, crossing her arms in an attempt to feel warmer. 

Maybe also to feel safer, even though she was not really afraid of him at the moment. Reckless, Ziva's voice echoed inside her mind. Yes, maybe it was reckless, but hell, she had really nothing to lose anymore. Ziva was... 

„Tessa.", Loki repeated her name, testing it, like it was a weird word of a foreign language, considering if he should keep it for later or just forget due to unimportance. 

„I know, you like my idea. I am offering you a position as my soldier, only expecting one thing in advance - you will stay unquestioningly loyal to me.", Loki explained, crossing his arms and tilting his head. 

He did not say become, because Loki knew, what was going on in Tessa's mind. 

Tessa thought about that, considering the options she had. She could say no, and Loki would probably let her go. But she wanted to say yes, she really did like the idea of him as king, and she was a good soldier. She knew she was a good soldier, it was the only thing she was really good at because it was all she used to want before she had met Ziva. Unquestioning loyalty sounded dangerous though. But if he really was a god, that was what most gods expected. It was what most leaders or commanders expected. 

_Reckless. You are so reckless._

__„What do you mean with unquestioningly loyal?", Tessa asked carefully, expecting some sort of more profound explanation._ _

__What was she supposed to do as his soldier? Would she need to kill unarmed civilians? She didn't like the idea of repeating what happened today and if that was his plan, she would not agree, no matter how much she wanted to just be part of his army, she still had some sort of a moral compass. And killing unarmed civilians was not okay, no matter the circumstances._ _

__„Just do what I tell you to do without questioning it. I take responsibility for what we do, you do it. I plan it, you follow the plan. King and soldier, commander and soldier, in the end, it is the same. Just like soldiers are supposed to follow their commander, you will follow me as your king. Is that so hard to understand?", Loki said, turning in her direction, a persuasive smile on his lips. „I know about Midgardian soldiers. Are you not a soldier, Tessa?", he continued, tilting his head._ _

__„A good one too.", Tessa explained, jutting her chin forward and squaring her shoulders._ _

__She had no idea where the sudden confidence came from, but maybe it was exactly what she needed right now. Loki laughed amused, before nodding as if he knew how good of a soldier she was._ _

__„Very well. Then you should agree, but it is your choice. I promise I let you go no matter what.", he ended, expectantly looking at her._ _

__And for some reason, Tessa believed him. He would have already killed her if he had wanted to. Was that a healthy start for a commander and a soldier planning to take over the world together? Probably not._ _

__Was it wise to agree to unquestioning loyalty towards a god, known for being the bad guy in the only story Tessa ever had heard his name? Probably not. But he was right. A world like hers needed someone like him._ _

__Her former army didn't want her anymore? Very well. She had another army now._ _

__Tessa saw the opportunity to once again become part of something bigger, and she took it gladly. She nodded, and Loki smiled the first honest grin she saw on him._ _

__„So... where are we here?", Tessa asked, curiously inspecting her surroundings._ _

__Since she came here, she felt like the room was becoming lighter, which she normally would explain with her eyes slowly getting used to the darker room around her, but today she started to question even that._ _

__There was that black sofa standing in the middle of the small room, but no other furniture than that. It was clean, almost sterile, with no windows, except a small one on their left. It was dark outside, but she was relieved to see the moon and the stars, and some big trees, moving in an unsteady rhythm only the wind will ever know. That meant they were most likely still on Earth._ _

__„We are still in Stuttgart.", Loki answered, folding his hands behind his back._ _

__„That's good, I... have something to do here tomorrow.", Tessa said, watching how Loki stopped beside her, looking out of the window too now._ _

__This was the first time, Tessa dared to look at him from that close._ _

__He was tall and his face was pale and Tessa saw how the arrogant mockery on his features made place for a thoughtful, almost sad expression. What was he thinking about? Tessa wanted to know and almost asked, when he shot her a look and was his usual self again._ _

__Cold, calculating and arrogantly raising his eyebrows, looking down at her._ _

__„Can I... ask you another thing?", Tessa said, crossing her arms again because she was cold._ _

__Loki only nodded, not looking at her anymore._ _

__„How do you imagine to do that? What is my... assignment in all this? I'm just wondering...", she immediately tried to explain, shivering._ _

__„You do not need to justify that question, Tessa. Just wait, I will let you know soon enough. In the meantime, I can bring you back to your hotel."_ _

__Without further warning, Loki grabbed her shoulder and once again teleported them somewhere._ _

__And, once again, Tessa was vomiting her soul out as soon as they arrived in her hotel room. After taking some deep breaths, she said: „Thanks, but I think I'll take the bus next time. How did you even know about my hotel any-", she interrupted herself, after noticing Loki was not there anymore._ _

__„What a charming guy.", she murmured sarcastically, moving in her bathroom to wash away today._ _

__And there was a lot to wash away._ _


	6. how to honour those fallen by your side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not yet believing what happened yesterday, Tessa unwillingly faces one of the hardest days in her life.

#### How to honour those fallen by your side

Today was the day. Tessa didn't want to get up. Didn't want to live through that day. 

'It's important. Do it for her. Do it for you. Do it so you can properly say goodbye.' Once again Tessa buried herself into her sheets as if they could protect her from what was going to take place today. 'It's your only chance...' 

She shook her head, trying to stand up, her body relying on energy she did not possess anymore. What did it matter anyway? Nothing mattered anymore, Ziva was... Once again Tessa shook her head, forcing her body to stand up by sheer will. 

She had a really strange dream of - 

„... epic battle, Captain America and Iron Man were able to ban the danger and save the lives of hundreds of civilians in Stuttgart last night. The attacker is said to be a very powerful being from outer space called Loki, the God of Mischief and brother of Thor, who joined Captain America and Iron Man after they won last night's battle. In spite of the immediate action of our superheroes, Loki was able to get away. If you have any hints to his whereabouts, call your local police department. Do not under any circumstances approach this suspect yourself, stay safe and keep yourself updated on our webpage.", the blonde news reporter explained, a blurry picture of Loki and a somewhat accurate drawing on the other half of the screen. 

Tessa forgot to turn off the TV last night and it made for a better sound than the lonely silence in her hotel room, she decided, slowly stumbling into the bathroom, rubbing her still sleepy eyes. 

No dream then. The news was filled with it, although they mainly talked about how Captain America and Iron Man saved the civilians by fighting back Loki. 

Tessa was glad they did not mention anything about a hostage, she liked her anonymity and her face shown in the news was not something she was eager to experience. 

What surprised her a bit was their definition of „winning a fight", which definitely did not match Tessa's. In her eyes, Loki won that fight. 

He tricked them. Surely, they could save a lot of people, which was counting as a win of course. But they did not win the fight, that was for sure, Tessa thought to herself, while brushing her teeth, the TV repeating the same news once again. 

The background sound fulfilled its purpose: Tessa did not think about today or yesterday. She focused on brushing her teeth, nothing else was going through her mind. 

The sound of her ringing phone made her flinch for a moment, before she picked it up, looking at the name on the screen. She smiled delighted, picking up with the toothbrush still in her mouth. 

„Hey, Tessa. I just wanted to check up on you, how are you feeling?", Daniel's well known, somehow always cheerful voice carried through the bathroom, she put him on speakerphone to avoid the danger of making her phone wet. 

Tessa was brushing her teeth, that's what she was feeling and nothing else. Numbness. 

Cold and empty, comfortable numbness. And some kind of exhaustion that one can't sleep away. Not while still breathing. But she couldn't tell Dan about that. He would only worry and make her talk about it and talking about it wasn't what she needed right now. 

He asked her to get an honest answer and he would be there for her, Tessa knew that. He always was. She knew he had good intentions, in fact, she highly doubted Daniel was capable of anything else than 'good intentions'. 

„That's really nice of you, Dan, thank you. I'm fine, how are you though? How is Emma doing?", she returned his question, spitting in the sink for the last time before washing out her mouth, listening to Daniel. 

„Emma and I... we are not together anymore.", Dan took a breath, awkwardly laughing and brushing the situation off by doing so. 

„She... we ended up disagreeing about some unimportant stuff and then our fight got out of hand and we decided to... break up. She is fine though, I saw her last week with Mike and... well, she is okay I guess. I am fine too, I just want to make sure, you are doing okay.", Daniel explained, and Tessa could hear the concern in his voice. 

Emma and Daniel were a couple for about three months and Tessa barely knew her, only saw her sometimes back in her school days, but Dan seemed to be pretty fond of her since the beginning. 

Tessa actually thought the two of them would stay together, they complemented one another rather good in Tessa's eyes. Dan seemed to be okay with it though, otherwise, he would have told her. 

He was not someone who kept secrets and Tessa and he had been friends for such a long time. They lost contact when Tessa joined the army, but now they were both glad to have each other back. Most of the time at least, but right now she would rather hung up on him. 

While yesterday she longed for someone to talk, every word was falling heavy off her tongue today. She was so tired and empty. Empty of words and feelings and motivation to keep going. Right now, she just wanted to sleep. 

Dan cared about her, she knew he did, and he wanted the best for her, but right now she would rather stare into the distance than talking to him. He cared very, very much sometimes. Too much. 

„Do you want to talk about today?", Dan asked carefully, his voice still sounding encouraging though. 

As if he had sensed her thoughts. As if talking about it would make this whole situation any less bad. 

Tessa looked at her reflection, the dark, somehow still tired eyes staring back at her, now anger and sadness fighting over them. These feelings came in waves and suddenly, instead of emptiness, there was an ocean in her soul. A stormy one. 

She was so done with this whole godforsaken world sometimes. 

Even her reflection judged her for such a melodramatic realization and for a short moment she felt the strong need to just punch the mirror until it was as broken as she was feeling this morning. 

„I don't know what to say, Dan. It... It's Ziva's funeral. We were supposed to come home together, we were supposed to live together and now..." Tessa's voice trailed off, she glanced upwards at the beige ceiling to not look at her reflection. 

Being exposed like this... even if only in front of herself alone, felt unbearable. 

'Get yourself together.', Tessa thought, fastly brushing away the single tear on her cheek. 

„I am so sorry, Tessa. I know it's hard and I hate myself for saying this, but maybe it's better if you don't go. You are alone, and while I am sure you're strong... just because you're capable of something doesn't mean you have to expose yourself to a traumatic experience like this. I know you don't like that. Please, just let me know if I can do anything to help you.", Daniel said, especially emphasising his last sentence. 

He had nerves to talk about traumatic experiences like that to her. She could sing a million songs about trauma, but Dan..., she noticed how bitter she suddenly felt. Dan, of course, had his problems too, but he belittled the actual fact that broke her heart, which was not the funeral. 

Ziva was gone. 

How did people live on normally after losing someone like this? 

„It's not the funeral, Dan. Ziva is... I will never see her again, she is gone. Thank you for helping me and for listening, but nobody will ever bring her back. And that is the only thing I really want at the moment. I know it won't happen, there is no hope whatsoever for it, but damn... I want her back so badly, it feels like someone ripped out a part of me. I will go to the funeral, and I will be strong because I know she would do the same for me.", Tessa explained, drawing small circles with her fingertips on the sink to calm down. 

Get back control, control her sadness and anger and guilt. Turning them into numbness. 

Now he would probably insist that he understood, even though he did not. He did not lose anyone the way she did. 

„I understand that, I -" 

„What a douchebag.", a cold voice behind her interrupted Dan and led to her turning around immediately, taking out a pocket knife of her hoodie and aiming it at whoever was standing behind her. 

Tessa had the clear intention of stabbing anyone who would be in her room without knocking or having her explicit permission of being here. 

She stopped, when Loki looked at her, a short moment of surprise and amusement in his eyes, before tilting his head in an almost apologetic way. 

His arms spread in an innocent manner, Loki shortly glanced at her pocket knife, before looking in her eyes once again, still smiling. Tessa let it drop slowly, wincing for a second when Dan's raised voice echoed through her bathroom. 

„Tessa? Who called me a douchebag? I thought you were alone.", Dan said, sounding like he caught her out doing something forbidden. 

Tessa picked up her phone, putting off the speaker and holding it to her ear, walking through her bathroom in an attempt to search for something she could tell Dan now. Of course, the answer was not hidden in the shower or on her toilet seat and so she ended up in front of the sink again, ruffling her hair, looking at her clueless reflection. In the background of that, Loki crossed his arms, an amused grin on his lips, before he silently chuckled. Why was he grinning anyways? 

„Tessa, I'm sorry for raising my voice like that, it's just that... I'm worried about you, and I hope you're not in bad company, just to not be alone, you know? I can come, if you want me to, Laura or Harry can watch out for Wendy and you wouldn't be alone anymore, besides I'm on vacation anyways and Stuttgart seems to be a nice place. But that is not the point. See, if you don't want to go to Ziva's funeral alone, I... I will come and go there with you, Tessa. Just tell me what you need." 

Dan was serious. He would get in a plane and fly over only that Tessa stopped feeling alone, completely ignoring the fact that he would never reach her in time. He was the best friend Tessa could wish for, always caring and looking out for her. 

She could mostly ignore the slight feeling of being controlled when it came to Dan. He was not even aware of how that sounded, how he implied she was in bad company only because he could not approve of her company at the moment. 

It was one of the things, Dan just did – with pure, good intentions, Tessa knew that. But it was not something she needed from him right now. 

And how could she explain she was chilling in her bathroom with the evil mastermind Loki who was slowly getting more and more popular by every hour, the TV once again reporting what happened in Stuttgart? Loki was now chuckling silently, looking her over and distracting her once again. 

„What's so funny?", Tessa said, squinting her eyes at him, her hand covering the microphone. 

„You.", he simply answered, nodding in her direction, still an amused grin on his lips. 

He's got a nerve. 

„Tessa?", Dan's urgent voice forced her to an immediate answer. 

„I... look, Dan, it's really nice and caring that you would do something like that for me, I will never forget that, but it's alright. I can do that on my own. You heard the TV in the background, I'm alone. But I really have to go now. Thank you for calling, hope you have a better day than me. I'll call you later, Dan, okay?", Tessa said, playing around with her pocket knife. 

She would explain this to Dan when she was back at home, this was something she did not feel comfortable by sharing over the phone. Dan would most likely understand it, he always understood, didn't he? 

„The TV... alright. No problem at all. Tessa, are you sure you don't need me?" Dan sounded worried once again and Tessa felt kind of bad because she lied to him. 

But it was the right and necessary thing to do. 

„Thank you, but please don't worry, I'm fine, I really am. But I'm in a bit of a hurry, I'll call you after the funeral, okay? Give Wendy a kiss from me, and don't forget to feed her, please. Bye.", she said to Dan, lowering her voice in the hope that Loki wouldn't hear her. 

She hung up before Dan had the chance to say goodbye too, looking at Loki now. He was still chuckling, shaking his head now. She shivered, wondering where the sudden coldness came from, seconds ago it was almost too warm in her bathroom. 

„I still don't get what's so funny. And you can't just appear out of nowhere like this, I almost stabbed you!", Tessa explained angrily, putting her pocket knife back in the bags of her hoodie. 

Loki just ignored her, turning around and leaving her behind in her bathroom alone. 

'Alien', she thought and shrugged her shoulders, following him. 

„Actually, I can and I will too. I would like to see you try though. This little knife of yours is not going to harm me.", Loki answered, turning around and looking directly at her. 

Tessa stared back, tilting her head in a questioning manner. 

What did he want here that early anyway? Yesterday it sounded like she would need to wait longer for her assignment, but here he was. 

She did not need someone like him now, with Ziva's funeral that close and her being on the edge already. 

„We have a lot of work to do, and I want you to be prepared as good as possible.", he said, crossing his arms behind his back, the long black coat he was wearing slowly disappearing and showing a black suit under. Suddenly Tessa felt rather self-conscious in her old red hoodie and the black pyjama trousers she used to wear at home since she was fifteen, now going a bit over her knees. 

„I don't have time today.", Tessa answered, looking in every direction but at Loki now, hoping he would just accept that answer. 

Well, she did not owe him an explanation, she agreed to be his soldier, but that did not mean he could just storm into her room and force her to do a training session. Technically he would need to inform her, but he was not some commander of the military. 

He was a king, a god. Or at least that was what he tried to make her believe, and even though she thought he was lying at the beginning, the news kind of confirmed it. 

She did some research the night before, reading through countless websites and stories that mentioned Loki, and found out some stuff, but could not be sure whether it was true or not. 

Many sources were contradictory, and she just was not sure what she could believe and what not. Maybe she would ask him someday, what was right and what not. She was curious to find out more about him but was not sure if now was a good time to ask questions like that. 

„Oh, is that so? And what is so important that you can not fulfill your purpose as my soldier, Tessa?", Loki asked, all the amusement from before suddenly gone. 

She did not want to let him know, she barely knew him. For whatever reason, Ziva was something she wanted to keep to herself. Maybe because he, as a god or someone who believed to be a god, could not understand the finality of people's life. Maybe because talking about Ziva and about what happened to her made Tessa's heart wrench and hurt in a way she could not quite put into words. Maybe because she had this tiny, _tiny _bit of hope that someone like Loki could bring Ziva back from the dead. And she could not bear the thought of asking him only to get a negative answer.__

__„Do you really have nothing to say for yourself and why you do not have time? Is it because of that Dan? You two are almost entertaining. As if you would actually need someone to watch out for you. And when he acted like he would understand how it feels to lose someone the way soldiers do, the way you did.", Loki interrupted himself with another short chuckle, „That was too ridiculous, I could not keep myself from putting him into his place. And this funny little thing you mortals do when you are talking with somebody you can not see at the moment...", his hands made circling movements as he talked about that, „You are not able to comprehend your own technology, which is irony on its best, but that is another story. Is Dan your husband or why did he sound so jealous when he realized you were not alone? You are not that bad at lying, which will come in incredibly useful in the future, but I really need to prepare you, otherwise, you will die, what a loss.", Loki answered, and Tessa could swear there was not the slightest bit of sincerity in his last words._ _

__'Might as well...'_ _

__He was dangerous, and Tessa liked the thought of following him into danger more than she would openly admit._ _

__But not today, today was Ziva's funeral. She would allow herself to cry and be sad today, to feel guilty about not being able to save Ziva. And later she would regret that decision probably, but she needed today. She needed to say goodbye to Ziva in that formal way, to be able to close that book of an unwritten future by her side. Or at least the mere hope of being able to do so, to close up something and move on afterwards._ _

__She could not be stuck in her sadness like this for her entire life. At least her mind told her so, the rationality of that statement coldly ignoring the doubts her heart had about it._ _

__But Loki had no right to talk like that to her, god or madman or whatever he was._ _

__„I... first of all, Dan means it well, he is not a douchebag, he is my best friend, you don't get to talk about him like that and -"_ _

__„Oh, I think I do get to talk about him any way I want and you will definitely not stop me, am I right? Tell me, what is so important, Tessa.", he asked, his tune already giving away he would not believe anything to be worthy of skipping his spontaneous training session._ _

__He was standing too near now, Tessa decided, taking a step back, warily eyeing him up and down. She would need to pay attention to his mood swings – initially he made jokes and was all light-hearted conversation and amused mockery, but now Tessa needed to be careful once again._ _

__She agreed to be his soldier, but they would definitely have to talk about boundaries sooner or later._ _

__It was not okay to just appear like that and stand in her room or listen to her phone conversations. And he could not talk about Dan like that. She only needed to find the right words for it and she had experience with stuff like that._ _

__Talking to a commander who was feeling superior and allowed himself to do anything he wanted, not accepting any boundaries? Not something Tessa would do for the first time now._ _

__„You're almost right. I see your point, I can't stop you from talking about Dan the way you want. I can't force you to like him, or be nice to him and I also don't want to do that. You are free to talk however you want, but I would rather not hear you talking about my best friend the way you just did. I can't forbid you to do it, I can only ask you to stop. Besides, I don't think it was appropriate, appearing out of nowhere like this and expecting me to have time. You knew I had something important to do today, I even told you and I understood from our conversation yesterday that I should wait for you to come back, but not that soon. That was a misunderstanding probably and was maybe even my fault. But I really can't today.", Tessa ended, jutting her chin forward to look Loki directly into his eyes._ _

__Loki looked at her, and Tessa could see how her words drifted around in his mind, where he was probably searching for an answer, while slowly nodding._ _

__„What a precious little talk about what you want me to do, I can very well take decisions for myself regardlessly. Did you just try to trick me into accepting your no as an answer? You are smarter than I thought... smart for mortal standards, anyway. But maybe you should not try to trick someone like me with your words, Tessa.", Loki said, shaking his head with an amused smile on his lips.__

__„Loki, trickster, shapeshifter and God of Mischief, the one with the silver tongue, hm?", Tessa said sarcastically before she could restrain herself, holding his almost invasive glance._ _

__Maybe she should have just told him the truth, she thought afterwards. It most likely would have been a lot easier than trying to explain why she knew _that much _about him already. Loki chuckled once again.___ _

___„I am flattered, Tessa. But tell me what is so important that you miss out on our training session.", Loki demanded, still an amused sparkle in his eyes._ _ _

___As if they had agreed to meet up today…_ _ _

___"Doctor's appointment.", she lied, and Loki chuckled at that._ _ _

___"Do not lie to me, soldier. Differently than most mortals I presume, I very well notice when you lie.", he said, raising his eyebrows at her._ _ _

___The fact that he was not angry or unnerved anymore gave Tessa a lot of courage, and so she decided to just tell him the truth. She would not ask if he could bring Ziva back, because a 'No' would once again break her heart, and maybe not knowing was better sometimes. She looked away, once again searchinhg for a better answer somewhere in her hotel room, not finding one. For a moment there was only the TV to be heard in the background._ _ _

___„You said Dan doesn't know what it's like to lose someone the way I did. Did you ever lose someone like that?", Tessa asked, once again shivering because of a sudden coldness surrounding her._ _ _

___Loki nodded and remembered something that led to the fading of his amusement from before. Only for a second, Tessa could swear he was almost vulnerable in that sadness, but it passed faster than she expected._ _ _

___„Of course, I have seen lots of battles, and of course I lost people I was responsible for.", he explained, crossing his arms and waiting for Tessa to speak._ _ _

___„The person I lost... I loved her and she died because I wasn't able to save her. And today's her funeral and I... I... damn it.", her voice slowly turned into a sob and she turned away, trying to calm herself down._ _ _

___Anger was boiling in her veins too. Tessa took some deep breaths, forcing herself to stop crying before she even started like she did so many times before._ _ _

___She was not that bad at controlling her feelings, meaning she was able to stuff them back far, far behind in her mind, where she could deal with them later. Or suppress them until they faded, which was actually working out pretty well most of the time._ _ _

___'Get yourself together.', Harry's and Adam's voice echoed in her mind, transforming into one stable mantra almost immediately._ _ _

___She squared her shoulders, planned to take a last deep breath and turn around when she felt a soothingly cold hand on her shoulder._ _ _

___„It is right to do honour to those fallen by your side, Tessa. I did not know this funeral was of such importance to you.", Loki explained, sounding not cold._ _ _

___Not overly emotional either though, which initially calmed Tessa down. But numbness was a luxury she could not seem to get at the moment. Before she could stop herself, the words so long in her heart fell off her tongue, no way to stop them._ _ _

___„It's not fair, she... she shouldn't have died like this, it was not something anybody considered, the base was secret, nobody should have known where we were, it was the only place where... where we felt safe, and she was killed there, and I could do nothing. Absolutely nothing, damn it!", she screamed at the end, clenching her fists._ _ _

___She was so angry, and sad and it took over her in seconds, all the feelings she kept so far away in the back of her mind seemingly cooperating to flood all over her at once._ _ _

___Now. At the worst possible moment, together with Loki only hours before Ziva's funeral. She was not alone, but that was not enough to tame her feelings at the moment._ _ _

___She swore, she would not cry. Not now, not in front of Loki, not in front of her commander. Tears ran down her face already, and she wiped them away as fast as possible, but if she turned around now, he would not only hear her silent sobbing but also see her cry._ _ _

___„You do realize you are being unreasonable and overly emotional. Did you tell your enemies where your secret base was?"_ _ _

___Taken aback by that question, Tessa wiped away her last tears before turning around, shaking off Loki's hand from her shoulder, the strong soldier in her slowly taking over her facial features once again._ _ _

___„Of course not.", she answered, angry at him for just implying she would do something like that._ _ _

___„So why is it your fault then? You can not save anybody, not on a battlefield, and secretly you know that, but still end up blaming yourself for not being able to do so.", Loki explained, and his words made so much sense. He was right, her mind knew that, but her heart twisted the facts until she started to feel guilty again._ _ _

___„No, but... we promised to look out for one another, and I... I could only watch her die, and -"_ _ _

___„Do you think she would prefer that you were dead because you tried to save her even though you knew you would get yourself killed in the process? If she loved you the same way you love her, I am convinced she would not be very fond of that idea.", Loki explained, sounding like he spoke out of experience._ _ _

___Suddenly Tessa wanted to know who he lost, she wanted to know of whom he was thinking when that mocking amusement left his face, she wanted him to trust her the way she did by telling him about Ziva._ _ _

___After what she saw and read yesterday she should know better than trusting someone like him, but her intuition told her, he was okay._ _ _

___„Listen, take this day. Do whatever it is that mortals do on funerals and mourn your loss, but I want you to be ready tomorrow. Do you understand?", Loki said, starting to listen to the news in the background, another light smile appearing on his face._ _ _

___„Iron Man and Captain America could ban the danger by successfully fighting back Loki, a half-god trying to kill a german veteran and -" Tessa immediately ran to the TV, turning it off._ _ _

___„I understand.", she said, looking cautiously back at Loki, not sure if he would be angry because of the phrasing in the news or if he would mock them as usually._ _ _

___„If it's of any importance to you, I think they didn't win the fight, I mean, technically you... well, you know.", Tessa said, trying to tell him with her hands what her mouth was not able to say._ _ _

___„You played your part pretty well there too, Tess.", and with that, Loki disappeared once again, leaving Tessa behind and she was actually not as glad as she initially thought to be alone now._ _ _

___She prepared herself for the funeral, at first she planned to wear her uniform, but now she decided to wear her black dress._ _ _

___After all, she was not saying goodbye to a comrade, but to the love of her life._ _ _


	7. yellow sunflowers on the graveyard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tessa meets Ziva's family, in a much different way than she used to imagine.

#### yellow sunflowers on the graveyard

The framed picture was staring at her judgingly. Closed coffin. Tessa doubted they had anything to put into it. No sane soldier would risk their life to recover a body and Adam was holding her back at that time. Doubtlessly she would have tried otherwise. 

Ziva looked a lot younger in that framed picture, it must have been taken way before she joined the army. She smiled in it, not forced or unnaturally happy – just lightly amused. That was Ziva's usual demeanour after all. 

So much life and light in the eyes of the girl framed in that picture, standing on a coffin. 

Tessa looked away, up into the sky, but the sun was shining happily, making fun of her and her sadness. Shivering, not only because of the coldness. 

They were standing on the graveyard the entire time because Ziva wished for a funeral outside. She always loved nature, more than she liked churches and that was why her family organized it like that. 

Nobody paid any attention to Tessa, except Ziva's mother, who was trying to talk to her earlier. 

Tessa could't look into this woman's eyes, when Ziva's eyes stared right back at her, the same clear, iced blue in them. 

She tried to not think about it, focused on understanding the strong accent in which Ziva's mother was speaking to her. She said hello and that she was glad Tessa could make it and that Ziva would have wanted it that way. 

Ziva's mother teared up and Tessa was more than happy that Ziva's father came to them, hugging his wife immediately. The painful look in his eyes gave away how much he missed his daughter, but he, just like Tessa tried for Ziva, tried to be strong for Ziva's mother. 

Reassuringly patting Tessa's shoulder as if to say 'Don't worry, I got this', he led his wife to the front, where the priest started talking. 

Tessa did not understand a lot of what they said at Ziva's funeral, her german was not good enough. 

The rest of the funeral was kind of blurry in hindsight. 

They asked her to talk about Ziva, but she denied, justifying that decision by blaming the language barrier. There were a lot of people who could have translated her words, but they all seemed to understand that Tessa was not able to talk about Ziva. 

What should she say anyway? There were no words to describe what Ziva was to her, better to not even try it. 

She was her hope, her reason to look forward to her future, her motivation to survive the war and come back to live a happy, fulfilled life as a civilian afterwards. 

Ziva was laughter, even in their darkest hours, her saviour so many times. The most trustworthy, caring, funniest and smartest person she met in her life. The sweetest love Tessa ever experienced. Her guardian angel. 

And now she was gone forever and there was nothing Tessa could do to save her, to get her back. 

Tessa left Ziva's favourite flowers on her grave and even though yellow sunflowers were not exactly choice number one for an occasion like this, she was not the only one leaving a bouquet of them there. The few people attending the funeral seemed to actually know Ziva pretty well. 

She had a twin brother, Christian, who was trying to talk to Tessa a couple of times. 

He wanted to make sure she was okay, that she did not feel left out because she did not know anybody here, but she always repeated that everything was alright and that he should not worry. 

Ziva's family wanted her to stay over for dinner or at least some snack, but Tessa politely denied. Christian even offered to bring her to the airport, and after a short discussion in which she tried to explain why she could not accept that offer, he still insisted on doing so. Stubbornness was probably running in their family, Tessa thought, remembering some of the more ridiculous discussions she used to have with Ziva. 

„I mean it. Promise me, you'll call, so I can pick you up at your hotel and bring you to the airport, if you don't want to stay over for dinner, let me at least drive you there. Besides,", he continued in a quieter tune, leaning in her direction, „I really need to get out of here as soon as possible. I can't bear all these people and their pitying looks. So actually, you'd do me a favour.", he almost whispered now, warily eyeing his surroundings like a child searching for its parents while doing something clearly forbidden. 

He stared at her, a familiar, pleading urgency in his ice-blue eyes. 

„Come on, Miss Miles -" 

„It's Tessa. Just Tessa.", she interrupted him immediately. 

She hated it to be called Miss Miles. It just felt wrong, especially coming from Ziva's brother, who was clearly not used to talk that formal to a person two years younger than he was. 

Besides, Tessa was not a stranger, she would have belonged to Ziva's family in less than half a year. The imagination of telling them how close Ziva and she really were made her wonder if they would still be that polite and friendly to her. 

Judging by what Ziva said about her parents... well. Christian would not mind, but Ziva waited for the right opportunity to tell him. Waited too long. 

„Alright. Tessa, would you mind calling me so I can drive you to the airport and flee these pitying looks coming from everywhere?", he whispered in her ear and she finally agreed, nodding while taking two steps back. 

„Wonderful, can I get you a drink?", Christian asked further, already turning in the direction of a waiter near them. 

It was such a weird tradition that people almost made a celebration out of a funeral. There were waiters, small groups of people sitting around and talking in lowered voices while every now and then taking some snacks from the buffet table dominating the small room. 

„I would rather leave now, I still need to pack my things and -" 

„Tessa, one drink is not going to kill you, is it? Ziva told me so much about you, I would love to get to know you a bit better. Do you like coke?", Christian interrupted her, trustworthy putting his arm around her, leading her in the direction of the waiter, a curious sparkle in his eyes. 

His whole behaviour reminded her on Ziva. The similarity between them let her forget that she actually did not know Christian at all. He was Ziva's twin, after all, she could drink something with him before she would leave, given the fact that all the others already seemed to be engaged in all sorts of conversations. 

„So.", Christian started, while giving her a glass of coke, „May I ask you something I've been wondering the entire time since my sister joined the army?" 

Tessa sipped her coke, nodding as a sign of agreement. Whatever was coming now, she was not a bad liar, she could talk her way out of it in case she needed to. 

„Why do people become soldiers?" 

Tessa almost choked, that question came unexpectedly. Christian just patted her back until she could finally breathe again. As if being soldiers made them any less people. 

„Well... everybody has different reasons, I know Ziva joined the army to help and save people, she was convinced we could make a difference, even if it only was a small one. They like to tell you stories about heroes when they ask you if you are interested in joining them. But they tend to forget the biggest difference. Heroes always win in the end, soldiers don't.", she ended, taking another sip of coke, her throat suddenly a desert. 

She knew too well what it meant to lose. 

Christian just looked at her, nodding understandingly and Tessa turned her head away because it hurt how similar the two of them looked. 

„And what was your motivation?" Tessa snapped her head in his direction. 

She did not like where this conversation was going. No matter how similar they looked. She barely knew Christian, actually, she only knew he was Ziva's twin and that was it, he had no right to ask her personal stuff like that. 

„Oh, I did it for the female quota. If you excuse me now, I really have to go. Was nice talking to you, but -" 

„You will call me when you need to get to the airport, right? Please don't leave me hanging like this.", he said, his hopeful face expression leading to Tessa's immediate nodding. 

He winked at her, accompanying her to the door. 

„Until later then, Tessa.", Christian said, to which Tessa only nodded once again. 

She walked to her hotel room, putting away her shoes and the tight dress, changing it for her pyjamas. 

It was only two o'clock, but she was not planning on leaving this room before five when she needed to get to the airport. 

She turned off the lights and closed the red curtains of her room, the weak sunlight from outside bathing it in a reddish light. She called Dan and told him repeatedly that she was fine and would be at home around 12am the next day, and that she would take a taxi so he did not need to pick her up. 

When she finally sat down on the edge of her bed, cold shivers running down her spine, it did not take long until the tears started streaming down her face. 

And she let them, here in this dark room, where she was alone and nobody but herself would see her break down, she could allow herself to finally let go of all these feelings she held back since a very long time. 

All that sadness that drained her, the anger and guilt that shamed her. She sobbed them out, piece after piece until she felt nothing but delighted numbness flooding her. 

Letting it all go wasn't making the actual situation any better, but eased her to a certain extent. 

Ziva was still gone, but being able to properly say goodbye today took a heavy weight she had been carrying for a while now from her. 

She would miss her forever, the rational side of her mind could try to convince her otherwise how long it wanted, Ziva was a person she would never forget or not miss. 

But the feeling of her whole life being stuck somehow faded a bit when she thought about moving on. It was not feeling completely senseless anymore, she had something to actually almost look forward to, a new purpose to get up in the morning. And Loki was right, Ziva would not want her to die because she died, Ziva would want her to keep fighting. 

And Tessa decided to make her proud. 

The sound of her ringing phone made her flinch before she realized it was the alarm she set to remind her on preparing for the flight. Changing into a clean hoodie and some trainers, Tessa tried to tame her hair before giving that up. 

She needed to wear something comfortable for a flight as long as this, and besides, she wanted to sleep properly, if Loki planned to start training her tomorrow. She would need to be well-rested in order to survive that, for sure. 

Once Tessa had packed her things, she thought about just calling a taxi instead of Christian, but he was Ziva's brother and he seemed to really need a way out of her funeral. Tessa understood that, and so she decided to call him like she initially agreed to. 

He saved himself in her contacts earlier as „Ziva's twin Christian", to which Tessa frowned, immediately deleting the first part now. 

„Ja?", his voice sounded somewhat stressed, surrounded by other voices in a chaotic chattering. 

„It's Tessa, if you are stressed, I will call a taxi and -" 

„Ah, hello Tessa. No, I am there in two minutes, I was looking forward to your call actually.", he added, leaving behind the loud background noises. „Just wait in front of your hotel, okay? I will be there soon." 

„Alright, thank you then.", she answered before he hung up on her. 

Tessa could not get rid of the feeling that she would eventually regret that decision. 

A sudden cold shiver ran down her spine, making her frown as she left her hotel room.


	8. always the same that kills you

#### always the same that kills you

Christian waved at her, leaning against his small blue car. 

Tessa didn't understand how he was able to smile after what happened today, but his tearstained eyes disclosed the truth. Keeping up appearances, well, Tessa knew a lot about that.

„Hello, Tessa. May I help you with your bag?", he asked, but Tessa shook her head, throwing it in the already open trunk of Christian's car. 

He nodded approvingly, closing it before opening the car door for Tessa. A gentleman... but Tessa couldn't get rid of the thought that it was not a good idea to get into that car. 

'Paranoid', she scolded herself, a forced smile and a short „Thank you" falling off her lips. 

„No problem. Do you want to keep the backpack or should I open the trunk again?", he asked, pointing at her half-empty backpack, only to get another head-shaking as an answer. 

„Okay, then let's start, shall we?", he asked politely, a small hand gesture showing her the still open car door. Tessa hesitated for a second, before getting in the car, her backpack protectively lying on her knees. 

Christian told her about his and Ziva's childhood during the car ride. 

„She was always stronger than me and never lost an opportunity to remind me that I was the younger one. Our aunt and uncles, even our cousins and grandparents used to make fun of me because she could tackle me down even though she was smaller than me. I never really cared about it, I was... always more of a book type anyways.", Christian said, wistfully sighing when they stopped in front of a red light. 

As he continued, Tessa zoned out after some time, she did not need to imagine Ziva as a child, wildly running after some beautiful, colourful butterflies on a green meadow, wearing one of those ridiculous but cute cat-themed dresses she once told Tessa about. 

No, that was really not a picture she would need right now. Still, it found the way into her thoughts and after Christian started to talk about how they almost burned down the entire kitchen when they tried to bake a birthday cake for their mum, Tessa interrupted him. 

„Hey... sorry, but can we not talk about stuff like that? I miss Ziva, I really do, but imagining her as a happy child makes this whole thing a lot harder for me actually. So... if it's okay, please don't tell me stuff like that, not now, not after burying her only hours ago.", she explained carefully, with no intention of denying him the right to speak about anything he wanted to speak about. 

Ziva was his twin, the two of them most likely shared a sadness going much deeper than those of other people. 

„Okay, I get that, I just thought you wanted to know, about what I was talking at Ziva's funeral.", Christian answered, nodding understandingly. 

The car stopped in one of the many free parking lots at the airport and Tessa was delighted to flee the sudden tension inside it. 

„So, now I have you exactly where I wanted, Tessa.", Christian added, smiling mysteriously in her direction. 

Tessa tensed up and was ready to defend herself if she needed to, checking if he locked the doors, which he did not. 

„Wow, that sounded creepy, sorry. I don't want to hurt you or anything, I just needed to talk to you alone.", Christian explained, shaking his head looking at his fingertips in embarrassment. 

Tessa's tension eased a bit, but she still looed him over warily. 

„Ziva told me to give you that. It was written in her last letter as if she had sensed it... anyways. I just wanted to give you this and tell you how thankful I am that she had someone like you by her side during... you know. Just thank you. And... I really admire you and your strength for coming today. She told me how much she liked you, that you were the best friend she could ever hope for. I just wanted you to know that.", Christian ended, laying his hand on hers, entwining them. 

Tessa looked down at their hands and up again, the familiar ice-blue she used to drown in willingly now looking at her with blunt desire. 

Immediately taking her hand back, Tessa cleared her throat. Christian looked at her with a somewhat encouraging smile, but Tessa was not sure if it was meant for her or himself. She had no clue what she could respond to that statement, but Christian did not seem to expect an answer, grabbing under his seat to get a small package. 

„She told me you should open it when you are alone and that she was sorry for taking so long, whatever that means.", he said, giving it to her. 

Tessa held the package as close to her as possible. 

„Thank you, for everything.", she murmured, before getting out and denying Christian's help with her bag once again. 

She could do that on her own, ignoring the short sting in her heart, when she thought about how Ziva and she had to keep their relationship a secret. 

„I am not even allowed to be a proper gentleman around you.", Christian chuckled and hugged her goodbye, which felt awkward but Tessa decided to just endure it, she would never see him again after today. 

She did not dare to look him in the eyes again, the colour was too familiar to not hurt, and he even seemed to understand that.

„Take care and if you ever need anything... I know that sounds ridiculous, but we both lost someone very close and dearly. Just in case you ever want to talk... I'm a good listener.", Christian ended, waving goodbye again and drove off before Tessa could answer to that. 

She had no intention of talking to him ever again. All they would ever share was grief. 

The check-in always was an adventure with her two, well now only one pocket knife, the other one was still laying around in Stuttgart somewhere. What a pity actually, she liked that knife. It was a small one, but also light and useful, and if she kept it sharp enough she could basically cut everything with it.

One of the security guys lectured her about safety and rules and she really had no nerves for discussions like that right now. 

„I will put it in my bag if that's okay, it won't do any harm there, right?", she asked, already stuffing her pocket knife in her bag, before finally getting rid of her luggage. 

The security guy agreed to that, said that she should never bring a knife to security checks again and that she should be careful. 

Everybody told her to be careful today, maybe the universe was trying to warn her from something, but she did not really believe in stuff like that, a cold shiver running down her spine. 

Tessa put Ziva's package in her backpack, it was not heavy, so it should not be a problem. She wanted to open it as soon as she was at home. 

When she got on the plane another cold shiver ran down her spine and for a short moment she felt like someone was watching her, but when she turned around there was nobody behind her except two parents, who were engaged into calming down their infant. They failed miserably, earning a pitying look from Tessa before she found her seat. 

Still feeling watched she scanned her surroundings, automatically searching for a weapon in her hoodie, but it was empty. 

'Paranoid', she reminded herself, shaking her head to get rid of these thoughts. 

She was in a plane in Stuttgart and the security guys were as annoying as they should be to guarantee for the passengers' safety. Everything was going to be alright, nobody was watching her and she should sleep now to be ready for Loki's training tomorrow. He would probably be mad at her if she was not well rested, she promised to be ready tomorrow. 

Tessa would ask him what he actually planned, and hoped he would tell her. 

Knowing nothing, like she did at the moment, was actually pretty dangerous, given the fact that she blindly agreed to be his soldier. 

She knew his goal, and she still thought he was right, but that alone was not enough to bring herself into danger like that. 

He had this army of... holograms? Clones? Whatever they were, she needed to find out how they worked, because they seemed to be his army. 

And now, given the fact that she was part of his army she wanted to know how all that stuff worked. 

Also, everything about that weapon he had in Stuttgart, and how teleporting worked and why he could just appear out of nowhere and how he knew where her hotel was. Tessa wanted to _know._

__She already followed completely blind once, and that was not happening again..._ _

____

„Miss... are you alright?", a very melodic sounding voice ripped Tessa out of her thoughts. 

____

She looked up, looking at a stewardess, all smiley face and... was that a mocking glimpse in her eyes? Tessa could swear, she - 

____

„Can I get you anything?" Tessa continued to stare into her green eyes, trying to pin down what was so familiar about her, but she failed. 

____

The stewardess smiled amused, repeating her question with a wink, to which Tessa looked away immediately, shaking her head. 

____

„No, I... I'm fine.", she said, clearing her throat. 

____

„Alright, let me know if you need anything. Take care.", the stewardess said smiling, casually patting her shoulder before talking to the passengers in the next row. 

____

What was it today with all these people telling her to be careful and take care? She knew how to look after herself pretty well. Most of the time.

____

A sudden yawn made her realize how tired she actually was – well, she had 15 hours of flying before she would arrive in New York. 

____

Tessa sat at the window seat, because nobody took that place, and leaned against it, the cold sensation making her frown for a second before it started to feel kind of nice actually. 

____

The babbling of two teenage girls behind her was a nice background sound and so it took her not long to fall asleep, she was once used to sleep in much less comfortable places. 

____

____

_„Do you think we should tell anyone?", Ziva asked while Tessa was playing around with Ziva's blonde, straight hair. Tessa liked how soft it was compared to her own stubborn curls. It was not that they were ashamed or anything, they just wanted to be left in peace. Adam would not like the idea of two of his soldiers being in love._

______ _ _

_'People do brave, stupid things for the ones they love. I don't need that on the battlefield. So keep your hands and eyes by yourself, is that clear?', he explained during one of their first training sessions._

________ _ _ _ _

_'Yes, Sir.', Tessa said in unison with the others, being convinced she would keep that promise at this moment._

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

_„If you want to, but Adam is probably gonna kill us.", Tessa said, chuckling lightly._

____________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_Ziva nodded because she knew, Tessa was right, but it still felt like they needed to keep it secret and that was going on both of their nerves._

______________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_„Hey... we have each other and that is all that counts, right?", Tessa said, trying to make Ziva smile again._

________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_„Right.", she answered, entwining their hands under the sheets._

__________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_The mattress was old and not really cosy, but sharing it with Ziva made it feel like heaven. It was small, and uncomfortable, but turned into Tessa's favourite nights._

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

She woke up sweating, wanting that dream to be reality again, the fainting memory of it haunting her. 

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Silence, no one was speaking and when Tessa looked outside, it was dark, no lights to be seen down there. They were probably crossing the ocean at the moment, looking at the time on her phone. Eleven hours before she would be at home, where Dan was probably waiting for her at the airport even though she told him to not come and get her. 

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The stewardess from earlier was silently walking through the rows, quietly asking the ones who were still awake if they needed something. When she arrived, she was smiling at Tessa, asking her if she needed anything. Tessa was hungry, but the snacks were all so expensive... 

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

„Yeah, one of those please.", Tessa said, pointing at a chocolate bar. 

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The stewardess nodded, giving it to her with another bright smile. 

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

How could someone be that happy all the time? She probably faked it, but it looked so real, Tessa immediately reciprocated her smile. The stewardess went on, and Tessa ate the chocolate bar fastly, her hunger taking over her. 

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

She stared out of the window until she fell asleep again. 

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

This time she did not dream anything she could remember afterwards.

____________________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	9. the holes she left

#### the holes she left

When Tessa was getting off the plane she actually was felt well rested. Taking her backpack and bag over her shoulder, she played around with her phone, when she saw a new message from Dan. 

"Hey Tessa, I know I shouldn't have come to get you, but I am waiting for you in front of your gate. So... please don't run away."

Tessa sighed, looking for Dan's well-known face. He was not that hard to find, being taller than most people but not looking intimidating at all. He smiled at her, waving with a shield written her name on it. As if she would not recognise him and his goofy smile. 

„Hey!", he said, spreading his arms to greet her with one of his bear-hugs. 

She started to call them that because for a second it always felt like she could not breathe anymore, but that was when Dan always let go of her. Besides, a bear-hug was exactly what she needed to finally realise that she was at home. She was in New York, only a half an hour car ride away from her apartment. 

„Hey, Dan.", Tessa smiled at him, hugging him back immediately. 

„I know you probably don't like to be back, but I am really glad you're here, Tessa.", Dan continued, not trying to take her bag or backpack. 

He knew better than that. Tessa was not sure how to feel about being back home. She was happy to be here, somewhat safe and without visible scars, but not eager to live the way civilians did. 

'You're one of them too now, don't act like you're anything else.' Well, actually she was something else. A soldier.

She did not need to fear to live a boring life, she was part of another army now. Another adventure, a different kind of danger and an unknown assignment still ahead of her.

„How was it?", Dan asked carefully, looking at her with such pity in his hazel eyes, Tessa started to feel weak. 

„It was alright, I think. I could say goodbye... and that's all that matters. Now, how are you? How is Wendy?", Tessa immediately changed the topic and felt another cold shiver running down her spine. 

Was she getting sick? 

„Oh, you know, I am fine. And Wendy is fine too, I did everything that majestic cat needs to be happy. I even cut her food the way you told me, but you're definitely indulging that cat too much. And even after I did everything right she keeps staring at me like I am the most vacant douchebag she ever needed to share a room with. Like she is that flawless of a personality...", Daniel's voice carried off.  
"She is picky and between us, I still don't believe that she needs all this different kinds of cat food, you're probably spending more money on that than on your own, she is just too spoiled already.", Dan chuckled, still sounding like he was serious about it.

„Hey, careful. It's my favourite living thing you are talking about here, Dan.", Tessa said without missing a beat, playfully hitting his shoulder. 

„Ouch, that hurt, my shoulder and my feelings, Tessa.", his voice sounding melodramatic and Tessa laughed about it. 

Dan told her about what she missed in their group of friends over the last six months, which was not that much considering how long she was not seeing them. One big drama because Carol and Jessica ended up fighting over a guy named Steve, a few little fights because of minor accidents and that was about it. Oh, and Dianne and Jimmy married last month, which was surprising for Tessa because they only knew each other for a bit more than a year. 

„I don't know, they said they found each other and saw no reason in waiting any longer. I think that is a bit crazy, but that's just my opinion. They seem very happy though, that cheesy 'we will stay together forever' happy, you know? But they may even make it, both of them are a bit special, but you know that anyways. Carol thinks Dianne is pregnant but... you know, I don't mind as long as they are happy.", Dan explained, shrugging his shoulders. 

Tessa nodded, whatever it was that made them happy, who was she to judge anyway? Ziva and she planned to move in together the moment they got home. Time was really not that important once you were convinced you found your soulmate. 

„But... coming back to you. What are your plans now? I asked my boss, he said he needed a secretary anyway and I know that's certainly not your dream job, but it's a start.", Dan explained, looking at her with an encouraging smile before he parked his car in front of Tessa's apartment. 

Of course, Dan was already making plans for her. It did not surprise her, he always meant it well and she knew that, but she ended up feeling belittled anyway. 

„Thank you, but I really want to take a look at the ads first, maybe I can find something more... suitable for me. But it's very nice that you asked your boss. If I can't find anything I will definitely come back to that offer, thanks a lot, Dan." Tessa said, opening the door to her apartment. 

Wendy looked at her with mild amusement, before proceeding to clean her paws. 

„You see? She looks at us as if we were unwelcome guests in her palace. She probably thinks we are douchebags. Speaking of that... It wasn't the TV that called me douchebag yesterday in the morning, Tessa, I know it wasn't. And I know I have no right to expect an answer, but can you please tell me who was with you in Stuttgart?", Dan's voice was calm and collected, but Tessa very well knew he was angry – well, as angry as Dan could get, which actually was not that much. 

There was no reason to not tell him the truth now, except that Loki made himself a name in media as the Bad Guy. And Tessa was kind of his soldier. Explaining that to Dan was probably impossible. She needed to talk to someone about it and she could trust Daniel. 

But his arms were crossed and he looked at her accusingly, a cold shiver ran down her spine and something inside her snapped. 

„Why do you always think I lie?", Tessa asked, carefully observing what was happening on Dan's face when she said that. 

„I don't know why you don't trust me anymore. Did I do something wrong, Dan? Did I ever give you a reason to think I'd lie to you just for the fun of it?", Tessa asked, pretty angry because of how Dan acted. 

She did not owe him any explanation and she never really lied to him until now. If he was so convinced she was a liar, she could might as well just act like one too. 

Dan shook his head, turning in her direction now, looking urgently into her eyes. 

„No, Tessa, I... that's not what I meant, okay? I just don't like the idea of you being alone in an unknown city where you don't know anybody, feeling lost and sad and... being lonely. And I thought maybe you did something you would regret just to not feel that lonely anymore, you know? I just want to protect you, which I know kind of sounds ridiculous, you being a soldier and very capable of watching out for yourself... but we all end up acting out of emotions sometimes.", Dan explained, trying to get through to Tessa, but she was just blankly staring at him. 

Coldly and with so much anger in her dark eyes, that Dan wasn't sure if it was a wise thing, to be honest about what he thought right now. Tessa just came back from a war. And while they agreed to always talk open and honest, maybe right now it was better to keep his mouth shut. 

„You're not done, are you? Come on. Tell me, I can take it.", Tessa said, sounding bitter. 

Dan shook his head, pretty sure it was better to not tell Tessa what he thought about yesterday. 

„It's alright, Tessa, forget it.", Dan tried to brush it off, smiling at her to calm the situation. 

Tessa squinted her eyes at him, cocking her head. 

„Don't say that. Both of us know, that it's not true. Don't lie to me, not you. You promised -"

„To be honest all the time? To tell you the truth? Well. You promised that too and are clearly not telling me the truth about yesterday, so – you know what. This is ridiculous. Forget it, it's not important.", Dan immediately regretted what he said, trying to once again ease the situation. 

„I'm not... I want to forget yesterday, is that so hard to understand? I had to bury the love of my life yesterday. It was bad, and it felt bad and I don't know how to keep going, is that what you wanna hear?! That I'm done and empty and nothing makes sense anymore? There you go. I just told you the truth, are you happy now?", Tessa almost screamed at him, gripping her bag tighter to ban the urge of slapping Dan or destroying something else. 

_Hey, sweetheart. Calm down, he means it well and you are... why are you so angry? ___

__„That's not what I-"_ _

__„Not what you meant? Then tell me what you meant, Dan! Just. Tell. Me.", Tessa hissed at him, trying to calm herself down._ _

__Trying to listen to Ziva's voice in her mind. Why was she so angry about this?_ _

__„Fine. I just want to make sure you didn't do something you would regret afterwards because you were not able to take a logical decision back then. I just wasn't sure if being alone was the right thing for you with that funeral being so close. If you say it was the TV, I believe you, but you have to know you can trust me if you want to talk about anything happening that day, or... the night before, or anything at all, you know?", Dan tried to explain himself, still staring into her eyes, his hand trustworthy resting on her shoulder by now._ _

__What a douchebag._ _

__„I didn't do anything I will regret, Dan. Are you implying I was having a one-night-stand the night before... ? Do you really think that little of me? Wow, that... nevermind. How can you even think something like that? I -" Tessa freed herself from his hand on her shoulder, dismissively crossing her arms._ _

__„Tessa, that's not what -", Dan tried to explain, but Tessa only shook her head, looking warningly in his direction._ _

__„Not what you meant? Got it, thanks. I think you should go now.", she said coldly, staring Daniel down._ _

__He turned around, taking a couple of steps, before stopping._ _

__„I... maybe both of us need time to adjust to... the way we've changed. Just know that I'm glad you're back. And I hope we can sort this out soon. I... call me when you want to talk, okay?", Daniel looked back at her, waved shortly and left Tessa's apartment._ _

__Part of her already regretted how this went._ _

__But she was still angry at Dan for what he just implied. How could he even? She would call him and sort this out._ _

__Tomorrow maybe. They just had a rough start and maybe Dan was right. Maybe she just needed some time to get used to that lifestyle again._ _

__That boiling anger... she thought she left that at the battlefield. Just when she thought to be back home again maybe was not that bad after all..._ _

__On top of that, her phone started ringing and she sighed before picking up to Laura's high-pitched voice, asking her how she was feeling._ _

__„I'm tired, but I'm okay. Listen, I know it's been a long time since we saw each other, but -"_ _

__„Well, six months feels like an eternity for a mum missing her daughter."_ _

__That stung, deep down in Tessa's heart something maybe just died. Laura was not her mum, she was her mother at best. Suddenly feeling empty and out of energy Tessa just ignored it for once._ _

__„Okay, an eternity then but I'm really tired because of the flight and everything, so maybe I can call you tomorrow?" Tessa faked a yawn, not feeling the slightest regret for lying that time._ _

__She was human after all, and a long conversation with Laura would most likely just end her life at that point._ _

__„Alright, but you really have to come over as soon as possible, okay? I would come myself, but Harry is sick and so I can't really leave here, you know how he is when he is sick."_ _

__Oh yes, Tessa knew better than she wanted to. Harry was unbearable, even more than usual, when he was sick._ _

__„Yes, I know. Hopefully, he will feel better soon and I will probably come over... tomorrow?"_ _

__Tessa wanted to get rid of Laura as soon as possible because once that woman started talking, there was really nothing that could stop her._ _

__„I see... Tomorrow is fine. You sound very tired, take a nap and watch out for you. I love you, Faith."_ _

__„You too."_ _

__Laura always called her Faith, and so did Harry, until she accepted it. It was the name they gave her after all. Tessa was not what she was for them._ _

__She was their daughter, and their daughter should be called Faith._ _

__They tried to change her birth certificate, but they were only able to add Faith as Tessa's second name._ _

__Tessa Faith Miles._ _

__She always insisted on being called Tessa. Tessa was everything she had left from her parents after all._ _


	10. different realities ruled by chaos

### different realities ruled by chaos

Tessa made herself a cup of coffee, basically the only thing she found in her empty kitchen shelves.

Filling it into a yellow mug with some stripes on it, she enjoyed the scent and took it with her, getting comfortable on her couch, where Wendy was still cleaning her paws.

She calmed herself down, her fingertips following the stripes on her coffee mug, enjoying the comforting warmth on her fingers.

_Hey, it's only the first day, sweetheart. You'll be fine, I believe in you. I always will. I love you., _Ziva's voice echoed in her mind and Tessa found herself calming down a bit immediately. She was not alone. She never really was.__

__Trying to distract herself, she smiled at her cat, but when Tessa tried to pet her, Wendy turned her head away._ _

__„Yeah, I missed you too. Asshole.", Tessa murmured, looking at Wendy while the cat was running away, entering the bathroom now._ _

__„No reason to use such vulgar language, Tess.", an amused voice coming from her kitchen scared her._ _

__She dropped her coffee mug, jumping off her sofa to fight whoever broke into her apartment._ _

__„Calm down, it is me, Loki.", she heard behind her, turning around again._ _

__„Why do you look so scared? I told you I was coming today. Time to start training you.", he explained, almost sounding annoyed._ _

__As if it was her fault that he scared her like that._ _

__Tessa tried to calm herself down, before giving that up and laughing almost hysterically. She was done with trying to restrain herself for today._ _

__„Yeah... well, do you not have doors where you come from? Or... I don't know, bells or knock signs or at least some sort of warning before you just appear out of nowhere in somebody's home? Because that's what people normally do here on Earth, knocking or ringing the bell or calling saying 'Hey, nice weather today, I'm going to spontaneously appear in your living room, just wanted to let you know that. Please don't get a heart attack, thank you very much.' That would have been nicer than... just appearing out of nowhere! How did you even do that anyway? I could've been doing whatever here and you just stand there and look at me like I'm the crazy madman creeping up in somebody's living room. Stop staring at me like that, I mean it!", Tessa angrily shouted while pointing at him, but Loki just continued to stare her down._ _

__He cleared his throat, a silent, light chuckle escaping his lips._ _

__„Are you done now? I did not mean to startle you but you are overreacting, Tess. You can not possibly be that angry just because you did not see or hear me coming. That would be ridiculous, even for mortal's standards. Besides, you already knew I would come here today, I myself told you that. Your chatter was still amusing though."_ _

__Loki looked at her, and for some reason, Tessa calmed down a bit. Maybe it was the coldness coming from him, the danger surrounding him that tickled something inside her, a new adventure she could look forward to in order to escape that dull life she was forced to live since being kicked out of the army._ _

__„Oh. Well, amusing you really is my first concern, so now I'm here to smile with an 'I love to entertain you' rolling off my tongue or what? This is not funny, just to be clear about that.", Tessa insisted, walking away to get something to clean up the coffee and the broken mug on her floor._ _

__Loki was following her, but she could not bring herself to care about that. It was a nice change to not be the one running after him for once._ _

__„Oh, you can not even imagine how funny this actually is. I mean, I had creatures being really mad at me, that were much stronger and more dangerous than you, but nobody ever dared to call me a... what did you say? Creepy madman? You know why?"_ _

__Tessa slowly turned around, because his voice was not sounding that amused anymore and she needed to know how much she could allow herself before he actually got angry._ _

__That was definitely something she would rather not be the reason for._ _

__He still smiled, so Tessa gave it a shot._ _

__Sarcasm was always a solution. Or she would at least die being funny. _Priorities, am I right?, _Ziva's voice chuckled in her mind.___ _

____„They were impressed by your ability to scare the hell out of them? Or was it because they were cowards?", Tessa said, grabbing what she needed to clean her living room._ _ _ _

____„No, it was because they tried so hard to be smart. They tried to trick a trickster, they tried to trick me, can you imagine that? I mean, even you have to admit that after your last attempt you get how vacant that is, how impossible. You learn fast, and that makes you a bearable soldier.", he explained, before grabbing her shoulder and teleporting them to an open field, where Tessa let go of her cleaning supplies before throwing up her breakfast._ _ _ _

____„I hate that.", she coughed, thinking about what she could reply to Loki's last statement._ _ _ _

____It almost sounded like he complimented her, but she highly doubted that._ _ _ _

____„Stop being so overly sensitive, it makes you look more ridiculous than you already are, mortal. You will get used to it.", he answered with a cold, uncaring voice._ _ _ _

____Loki and compliments? She would laugh at herself for that ridiculous thought later._ _ _ _

____„You do realize I won't stop being a 'mortal' just because you are thinking so little of that? Go search for another soldier then.", Tessa said, trying to stop feeling so dizzy._ _ _ _

____Loki looked at her, a closed-off, almost sad expression on his face before the usual arrogant demeanour returned to his features._ _ _ _

____„No, having mortals as soldiers is a calculated risk. Consider it some sort of experiment. Midgardians are weak but very adaptable, so at some point, you probably will not react that sensitive to being teleported anymore.", Loki explained, looking at her like she was a laboratory rat, to which Tessa only snapped her face in his direction._ _ _ _

____They would need to talk about this internalized racism at some point, but not now, Tessa decided._ _ _ _

____She gave him a look that would let any other human flee in fear, the kind of look Tessa normally saved for terrorists and her enemies on the battlefield, a scary look. But Loki just chuckled._ _ _ _

____'Asshole', before Tessa could say this aloud, Loki started talking._ _ _ _

____„I want you to look at your surroundings and tell me what is real and what not.", he said, crossing his arms._ _ _ _

____Tessa thought he was joking, and laughed for a second, before Loki looked at her, clearly not in the mood for jokes anymore._ _ _ _

____„I don't get that, what shouldn't be real?", she asked confused, looking around._ _ _ _

____It was a field, some mountains in the background, the sun was shining and she heard some birds singing behind her._ _ _ _

____„You should rather ask, what is real.", Loki explained, tilting his head, looking at her quizzically._ _ _ _

____So she should figure out that cryptic statement herself? Really not her area._ _ _ _

____„I'm not that much of a philosopher, to be honest. Everything I see is real, and I can see all the things around me, so... I think everything here is real. I don't get what you mean, Loki.", Tessa shrugged her shoulders._ _ _ _

____What a stupid question was that anyway?_ _ _ _

____„You mortals are so vacant, it actually hurts sometimes. But you are here to learn something. Reality is not fixed, time is not fixed, you can count on nothing for sure, except one thing. One thing will always be there. Do you know what?", Loki asked her, walking until he was standing right in front of her._ _ _ _

____She wanted to say something that was right, and so she thought about it for a bit._ _ _ _

____Love was the first thing that came into her mind, but Ziva was gone, and that meant love was not eternal. Peace was everything else but eternal, so was friendship and war. Nothing really was forever, was it? Death. But as a god that probably wasn't what he meant._ _ _ _

____„It is chaos, Tessa. You can always count on chaos. The question is, how can you use it to your advantage? Chaos leads to fear by those who can not comprehend the order behind it, even though it has only one simple rule: There is no order. There is no good and evil, there are no innocent and no guilty, only creatures fighting to survive. Sometimes they make it, and sometimes they do not. I call it chaos, you call it destiny. You can do nothing against it, or at least that is what people have been telling you your entire life, is that not true? Tess, what if you could change destiny? What if you could alter time, for example?", Loki asked, and immediately the scenery around her changed._ _ _ _

____It was night and she was staring at her old base, the one in which Ziva... Loki was standing right beside her, not saying a word anymore._ _ _ _

____She looked up, saw the crescent moon over her, the stars and finally realized it was the night Ziva was going to die._ _ _ _

____Tessa walked towards their base, starting to run when she was half the way. Entering the first small building and immediately going into Ziva's bedroom, founding her lying there sleeping. Alive, happy, and silently snoring. She ran to her, shook her shoulders and screamed at her to wake up._ _ _ _

____„Ziva. Hey, Ziva, angel, wake up, you have to get out of here! Stand up now, Ziva!"_ _ _ _

____Her voice was full of panic as she tried to drag Ziva out of her bed, staring at a nasty wound on her stomach, that was still bleeding._ _ _ _

____No. This was wrong. This was not real, she could still save her. She was close enough to reach her this time._ _ _ _

____The building was still there, the bombs did not fall yet. Ziva was not dust. Tessa could still save her, she could still – warm blood dropped from her fingertips, when she tried to drag Ziva away. There was blood everywhere. No grey, just red. Everything turned red._ _ _ _

____Ziva was gone._ _ _ _

____Tessa did not know where she was anymore, she did not know anything. Did not think anything. Could not breathe, did not need to breathe. Nothingness. Everything was red and she was falling and falling and falling – a cold grip around her arm pulled her up, or down, or sideways, she could not tell. But she knew the grip. Loki._ _ _ _

____The red was gone._ _ _ _

____She turned around, searched for him with the clear intention of begging him to bring her back, back to Ziva. He was not there._ _ _ _

____Scanning her surroundings by habit, everything was blurry, slightly off. Like she was wearing too sharp glasses. Her head screamed white noise, forcing her to close her eyes._ _ _ _

____When it was silent, she opened them again, saw again. A small house in front of her, looking strangely familiar. A garden, a swing on one of the apple trees surrounding it._ _ _ _

____„Dad! Faster!", a small child screamed, sitting on the swing, laughing like she hadn't a care in the world._ _ _ _

____Behind her a grown man, enjoying that whole game as much as the little girl on the swing. She knew that man, and she knew that little girl on the swing._ _ _ _

____Tessa took a step in their direction, reaching out her hand. Only a little nearer, she could reach them. She could touch these apple trees and hug her dad, she could open the old wooden door that cracked when she was not careful enough. She could swing._ _ _ _

____Loki stood beside her once again, stopping her and her feet felt like roots buried deeply into the ground._ _ _ _

____„Do you think this is real?", he asked, nodding in the direction of her dad and the girl she once used to be._ _ _ _

____Tessa wanted it to be real. She wanted it to be real so badly, but it wasn't. She shook her head, watching the picture blurry out slowly._ _ _ _

____„Why is this any less real than your reality? It is another universe, another reality. And there are millions of it."_ _ _ _

____Loki once again touched her shoulder, and Tessa was standing at that field where they initially started._ _ _ _

____She sat down, everything around her blurry and not sharp enough._ _ _ _

____She saw Loki twice, then three, then five and then what felt like hundred times. Tessa blinked, trying to focus her sight. Until she noticed that her sight was alright._ _ _ _

____What she saw was unbelievable, but real. Or as real as anything she saw these last days. An army of Loki clones._ _ _ _

____„Find the real me.", they said in unison, a chorus of hundred same voices._ _ _ _

____Tessa looked around, searching for Loki, the real Loki, not sure how she could recognise him._ _ _ _

____All of these clones looked the same, except... for some reason Tessa didn't feel as cold around them as she normally did when Loki was near her._ _ _ _

____That was what was leading her, every time she felt slightly less warm, she went in that direction. It was working pretty well until she could not notice the small difference anymore. Closing her eyes in an attempt to focus better, she felt entirely cold for a second._ _ _ _

____When she opened her eyes, a cold, sharp pain on her forehead, Loki towered over her, staring at her curiously. Behind him the clouds. Grass on her fingertips, another short sting on her forehead and Tessa gasped for air, coughing._ _ _ _

____Loki looked at her intrigued, her hands moving in what should be unknown patterns for her. He smiled, breaking the spell._ _ _ _

____The coughing stopped. The headache too. And Tessa was finally able to sit up, immediately trying to stand up too, but that didn't really work out._ _ _ _

____„Not so fast, Tess.", Loki said, sitting down beside her._ _ _ _

____Tessa looked at him, not sure what to do or say. She felt dizzy, like she had just woken up from a yearlong sleep. What the hell did just happen?_ _ _ _

____„It is important to recognize the difference between a created and your own reality. Between my clones and me. You have to know the difference and the only way I can teach you that is to expose you to different realities, actual ones and some of what I created, over and over again, until you can sense in a matter of moments what is real and what not. Fighting against the creatures we do, it can decide over life and death if you are able to tell the difference between what is real and what not.", Loki explained, wondering why Tessa, always so eager to interrupt him, let him hold a monologue like that._ _ _ _

____The scared expression on her face explained it before she did so herself._ _ _ _

____„Please don't ever make me watch Ziva... don't do that to me, never again, okay? Promise me, please."_ _ _ _

____Tessa's voice sounded begging, but at that moment she did not care about it. As long as Loki would never do that to her again. Loki nodded, looking like he was taking a mental note._ _ _ _

____„If it will ever be the case that someone manipulates you like this, they will take the things you fear the most and let you live through them over and over again. Do you really not want to be prepared for that?", Loki asked, genuine for once._ _ _ _

____Tessa shook her head._ _ _ _

____„I believe you can teach me the differences between reality and illusions or how to recognise what is one of your clones and what is you. But nothing will ever prepare me for this. Nothing... and if I have the choice, which I really hope I do for once, I never want to see Ziva... like that again. Promise me.", Tessa explained fiercely._ _ _ _

____„Alright, Tess. I promise you." Loki said, holding out his hand. „We should go back now, I need to talk to you."_ _ _ _

____Tessa nodded, taking his hand and closing her eyes in an attempt to escape the nauseous feeling while being teleported._ _ _ _

____It did not work._ _ _ _


End file.
